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Honomobo Shipping Container Homes
[$19,176]
These Honomobo Shipping Container Homes are ideal for people who love being forced into confined spaces alongside their loved ones. Kidnap victims, perhaps. Or mole people. Anyway, if you've always wanted to live in a giant metal box then fine, buy one. But I'm not coming to visit. Honomobo will make it in any design you like, any colour and any smell. But as I said, I won't ever come round. Ever. Oh okay, maybe once. But I won't enjoy it.

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Honomobo Shipping Container Homes
Honomobo Shipping Container Homes

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Kiwano Electric Scooter
[$999.99]
If a Segway banged a scooter that was actually a transformer in disguise, would that constitute assault by deception? I don't know, but the result would be the Kiwano Electric Scooter. Driven by a 1000W hub motor capable of 20 miles an hour speeds, this scooter is capable of hauling even the fattests bastards over a 20 mile range, with a maximum carry weight of 550lbs. That's roughly the weight of Andre the Giant...when he wasn't dead.

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Kiwano Electric Scooter
Kiwano Electric Scooter

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Sumo & Splash Guard Combo
[$169.99]
Have you ever found yourself being dragged behind a boat only to wish you were sumo wrestling instead? The Sumo and Splash Guard Combo is just the product for you, as this inflatable cape and armrest allows you to do both! Just like Katie Price's tits, the Sumo & Splash is made from 100% PVC. Its sleek design enables water to spray away from your face when you're being tugged off by a boat. And, when it's time to wrestle away your woes on shore, the SUMO cape will stop you snapping your spine like a twig. Isn't that nice?

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Sumo & Splash Guard Combo
Sumo & Splash Guard Combo

Sumo & Splash Guard Combo →

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Barebones Cast Iron Kit
[$119.99]
The apocalypse is almost upon us, and when it is, those with durable iron cookwear will truly become kings amongst men. Therefore, unless you'd like to sell your body in exchange for food come the forthcoming end of days, you'd be well advised to purchase this Barebones Cast Iron Kit. There's no f**king about with this lot, it's just a simple set of sturdy, reliable cast iron pans alongside some fancy oil, s**t to serve your grub on and a recipe book on how to gut and fillet a hedgehog. The last part is a lie, but it wouldn't half be useful.

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Barebones Cast Iron Kit
Barebones Cast Iron Kit

Barebones Cast Iron Kit →

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Luminescent Driveway Pebbles
[$390]
When choosing a driveway material it is important to consider what kind of aesthetic you want to achieve. If it's understated you're after, then you'll want neutral colours such as grey, beige or slate, since these tones do not draw the eye. If, on the other hand, you want a surface that looks like E.T.'s just spunked his load all over your front garden, then try these Luminescent Driveway Pebbles. Apparently they're eco friendly, but they said that about Lynx Africa and now all the world's dogs are turning inside out, so I don't believe them. They are glow in the dark though, which saves you having to set a big bonfire on your lawn for a bit of mood lighting.

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Luminescent Driveway Pebbles
Luminescent Driveway Pebbles

Luminescent Driveway Pebbles →

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Glow in the Dark Tape
[$10.29] / [£7.99]
The worst thing that can happen to you at a music festival is coming back to your tent to find someone has cut a hole in the side and shat in your sleeping bag. It is an undeniably awful experience, but it is also incredibly good for character building. If you'd like to guarantee that this heinous anus act occurs, why not cover your tent in this obnoxious Glow in the Dark Tape? Made from waterproof vinyl, your temporary abode is sure to be noticed from miles away by friends and thieves alike. If you wanted, you could even make a massive day-glo swastika with it...if it's that sort of festival.

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Glow in the Dark Tape
Glow in the Dark Tape

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Power Energy Toothpaste
[$19.19] / [£14.99]
Brushing your teeth with crack cocaine is so 1980s. All the cool slags are using this Power Energy Toothpaste instead. Containing approximately “shitloads” of caffeine, this tube of mouth gloop will give you a minty mouth, cavity protection and a wake up call all in one. And for extra alertness, why not swallow the entire tube in one big gulp?

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Power Energy Toothpaste

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BBQ Branding Iron
[$19.19] / [£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

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BBQ Branding Iron
BBQ Branding Iron
BBQ Branding Iron

BBQ Branding Iron →

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Die Hard: The Official Colouring Book
[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Did you know that John McClane from Die Hard had a purple vest with “fiddle my nips” written on it? And that Hans Gruber's chest hair was yellow with turquoise polka dots? It's true, but if you don't believe me why not find out for yourself by purchasing Die Hard: The Official Colouring Book. Containing at least “some” pages of stills from Die Hard outlined and ready for you to colour, this book is perfect for when you want to wind down and do a bit of art without really having to think. You can even go outside the lines if you want. Who's gonna stop you? ISIS? Probably not.

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Die Hard: The Official Colouring Book
Die Hard: The Official Colouring Book

Die Hard: The Official Colouring Book →

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Salted Caramel Tequila
[$38.39] / [£29.99]
From the makers of salt and vinegar tampons and bovril paracetamol comes this magnificent bottle of Salted Caramel Tequila. This drink is a lot like me; it's sweet, smooth and ever so salty. It's way too delicious to knock back as a shot, probably, and it is instead recommended that you sip this concoction smoothly as part of a cocktail. But to be honest, they'd never know if you were to stick a funnel down your crack and butt-chug the whole bottle. So I'd just drink it however you want.

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Salted Caramel Tequila

Salted Caramel Tequila →

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Bulletproof Whiskey Glass
[$25.59] / [£19.99]
Whiskey tastes better when there's a bullet jammed in the glass you're drinking it from. That's just a stone cold fact. So I suppose that's why this Bulletproof Whiskey Glass exists, with a real .308 calibre bullet wedged right in there on the side. You could try and make one of these at home if you wanted. It's super easy. I managed to lodge a bullet into a glass last week. I say glass, it was my neighbour's skull. And I say bullet, it was an axe. And I say last week, I plan to do it tomorrow. But still, isn't it a nice glass?

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Bulletproof Whiskey Glass
Bulletproof Whiskey Glass

Bulletproof Whiskey Glass →

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Manet Easy Chair
[£1,745]
If sitting on the Manet Easy Chair doesn't give you piles then I don't know what will. I mean, what the hell is this thing? It looks like a giant punnet of lipsticks. Why would you want to sit on that? If you do, then I suppose you'll probably want to know this chair is available in “a bunch” of colours, uses washable and removable covers, and it costs about two grand. I reckon I could knock one of these up for you in about five minutes for a tenner though. But it's up to you.

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Manet Easy Chair
Manet Easy Chair

Manet Easy Chair →

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