[$65] / [£49.99]
Are you kooky as fuck but too scared to dye your hair and pierce your face to prove it? Then show the world how krazy you really are by purchasing this Seven Foot Tall Inflatable Unicorn. This artful blow-up ornament is elegantly crafted from heavy duty vinyl, so you could try to hump it if you want. If not, it'd make an excellent centrepiece for a wake…unless your grandmother was killed and violated by unicorns. In that case, you might wanna give it a miss.
[$299] / [£229.99]
I haven't seen the new Star Wars movies, but if I had, and if I liked drones, and if I had several hundred bucks, and nothing to do with my weekend, and didn't care what people thought of me, I'd definitely buy one of these Star Wars Battle Drones and smash it into some crows down the park. Available in Starfighter, Speeder Bike and Tie Advanced varieties, these drones also pack a set of on-board speakers, a revolutionary reverse propulsion system (no idea) and a top speed of up to 35 miles an hour. If you've got enough friends you can also have virtual laser battles in the sky with other drones, as each pad vibrates every time a shot makes impact. Or, if you have no friends, just get drunk and crash it into some bird's nests. It's what Carrie Fisher would've wanted.
[$29.89] / [£22.99]
As Kanye West would no doubt profess, losing one's shit can be a traumatic experience. But while we can't help you with a bout of insanity, these Tile Mate Bluetooth Trackers can make losing your actual marbles a thing of the past. By linking with an app installed on your smartphone, these Bluetooth tracking devices help you find your lost Macbook, wallet, luggage or child by letting out an inhuman scream if they're located within 100 feet. And if not, one of Tile's other 5 million users will help find it for you. Or they'll steal it and not tell you. That's what I would do.
[$13] / [£9.99]
Do you know what I crave after watching an episode of Narcos? Drugs.Lots of drugs. But since cocaine went extinct in 1994 I'll have to make do with this 250g bag of Colombian Marching Powder Coffee instead. Grown on land reclaimed from South American drug cartels, this premium blend of filter coffee has notes of orange, berries and butter. And not, as you might expect, the delicious subtle undertones of pure uncut coke and rotten informant's corpses. Which I think is a damn shame.
[$32.49] / [£24.99]
Worried that you're not eating enough Himalayan salt? Me too. It costs me thousands every year just to trek up those mountain bastards to have a lick of a bit of rock. But thankfully I need do this no longer, because some clever sod has made these Himalayan Salt Shot Glasses. The glasses come arranged in a decorative Acacia wood serving board, and every sip of vodka, whiskey or milk you slurp out comes be infused with a subtle salty flavour. So if you've always wanted your drinks to taste like someone's spooged right into them, this is the product for you!
[$25] / [£20]
Rice is a harsh mistress, and if you wish to enjoy her pleasures you have but two options. First, you can take half an hour to boil the little grainy pricks, but there's a risk you'll forget about the pan and end up with a gloopy burnt spaff. Or, if you're brave, you can try one of those nasty two-minute microwave dealies that probably give you cancer after the first bite. But now there's a third option; the Joseph Joseph Rice Cooker. Just sling your rice into this bowl, pop in some water, chuck the whole thing into the microwave and you'll be greeted with delicious cooked rice in under five minutes. Even Donald Trump's hookers can't produce something hot and steamy in that time!
[$37.95] / [£22.95]
Are you sick of having to melt your own cheese by putting it down your pants and concentrating really hard? Then snap up the BoskaRaclette Set for easy melted cheese in a matter of seconds. This metal and wooden contraption sits over three candles and lovingly heats your hardened cow boob juice using a gradual temperature, and its compact nature ensures you can prepare gloopy cheddar goodness wherever you please. In fact, why not try melting cheese at a funeral, in a maternity ward, or even at the back of a porno theatre for a tasty erotic snack. The sky's the limit! Because you probably can't take this on airplanes.
[$425] / [£350]
Did you know there's a 1 Terabyte Playstation 4 Pro out? You do now. And as soon as you've stopped foaming in your pants you'll be even more excited to learn that this particular version supports faster framerates, 4K streaming and a bunch of other things you won't notice while you're telling someone what their mum does with an aubergine behind McDonalds. Available in various console bundles including a Call of Duty Legacy one that nobody will ever buy, the PS4 1TB Pro also comes with a receipt, so you can take it back and trade it in for an xBox One like a not-idiot.
[$42.50] / [£34.68]
Well Flux me sideways, a smartphone case that charges your battery? Tell me more? No. Okay. The Flux Super Thin Battery Case works with iPhone 6, 6s, 6 Plus, 6s Plus, 7, 7 Plus and the secret iPhone infinity Steve Jobs forced down his throat when he died. It claims to be the world's thinnest and smartest battery charging case, making it the exact opposite of Donald Trump, if he were a battery charging case, which he is not. The case itself needs to be charged to work first, obviously, and then when your phone runs out of juice just plug in the attachment and your phone will last approximately "some time" longer. It comes in black, pink, grey, a different grey and pink, just like corpses do.
If you want to take a selfie from high up in the air you've got four options. First, buy a selfie stick and look like a prick. Second, stretch your arms out using medieval torture equipment. Third, throw it up in the air and hope for the best. Or fourth, buy an Airselfie Flying Smartphone Camera, which is compatible with both android and Samsung phones. Because windows and blackberry can go fuck themselves. Basically, it's a smartphone case with a drone camera in it, but you don't have to stop at selfies. Why not fly above ladies and film down their tops? Use it to scope out your ever-increasing bald patch. Or even give a tiny baby mouse the ride of its life and film the whole thing. Go on you cow, you know you want to.
What are your favourite smells? Wet dog. New car. Post Coital Disappointment? Well that's a shame, because Cool Material don't make craft candles that smell of any of those things (yet). But they do make ones that smell of Coffee and Cigarettes, Tobacco Humidor, Barber Shop and Public Library. So if you've ever wanted your home to stink of Nescafe, smokes, hair and old lady urine you're in for a ruddy treat you are. Since they're 16 ounces each these candles will last for approximately "a period of time" and they're made from soy wax, so if you're vegan you can eat them, if you want. I'm honestly not bothered mate. Do what you want with them.