Are you a lazy piece of shit who wishes skateboarding involved 100% less effort? Great, then buy the Boosted Board 2 Electric Skateboard. The Boosted 2 is an upgrade on the original Boosted Board, because the last one kept catching on fire and burning kids to death. I made that up, but it sounds true doesn't it? New features on the Boosted Board 2 include a swappable battery, extended range, water resistance, 80mm wheels and improved power and handling. Electric skateboards, pah, what next, an electric bike?
The Wall-Mounted Kindling Splitter could easily be used to execute a beloved family pet that was on it's on its last legs, but when I inquired if this was possible I was told it's "not in the spirit of the product". Apparently, you're only supposed to use this contraption for splitting kindling wood and not the brutal slaying of small animals. Spoilsports. Anyway, you can attach this thing to a wall with ease, and since its made of Swedish cast iron it should last you for years. But will you ever feel as manly as you do chopping kindling outside with an axe in an ugly check shirt? No. No you will not.
Laptops are notoriously thirsty for juice, as are tablets, smartphones, handheld consoles and mains-powered dildos. But the HP Laptop Powering Backpack offers a solution, albeit one that gives you yet another thing you've got to remember to charge.The HP Backpack's built-in 22400 mAh battery can charge up to three devices if you've remembered to pack their respective chargers, and if you haven't, you could always jump in the bathtub with it on and kill yourself.
Who needs stupid electricity anyway? That's what I always say. Because of electricity we can't take toasters in baths, we have to run away when lightning happens, and we've lost some of the world's most enchanting serial killers. I hate electricity so much. So I'm really glad that this Jollylook Cardboard Vintage Camera eschews the use of power and allows you to take photographs using nothing more than cardboard and some holes. It works using Instax film and its body is entirely comprised of recycled materials, so as well as taking pictures you can be a right smug prick about it too.
Do you want to get trashed in your living room but you're sick of using your hands to hold beer like a sucker? Then the GrometCouchcoaster is both your friend and eternal nemesis, as this sofa-mounted drinks holder will almost certainly lead to your comfort and inevitable demise from liver cirrhosis. Suitable for holding mugs, cans, bottles and really big bananas, the Gromet can fit almost any sofa arm thanks to its flexible silicone body, whereas my grandmother's body is rigid, with her breast implants having long since rotted.
Ketchup is fun. Mayonnaise is fun. Combine them? Seafood sauce. Paper airplanes are fun. Drones are fun. Combine them? This Paper Airplane VR Drone Model Kit. Capable of speeds up to 20mph and able to fly for ten minutes on a single charge, what's even more fancy is that the drone's on-board camera can be synched to your smartphone, which in turn can be placed into the accompanying Google Cardboard headset. You know what that means don't you? This drone can be used to peep into ladies' bedrooms and recreate in virtual reality what it would feel like to be some kind of hovering pervert.
If I had one of these Wipebook Reusable Notebooks I'd try to erase the last ten years of my life, because they've been nothing but an abject failure. The pages of this notebook are covered in hypergloss film enabling you to smear away your errors like so many accidental pregnancies, and with plenty of options including ruled pages, large sizes and egg-scented (discontinued), you're sure to find a Wipebook Reusable Notebook to match your permanently soiled soul.
Unsettle's Commutter Roll-Top Bag is the ideal solution for busy commuters who want to piss off an entire train carriage by taking up a seat with their flouncy new bag. But if you're not bothered about that then this bag will prove a godsend, as it's capable of carrying a laptop, tablet, your dinner, a spare change of underpants, rolled-up tools and a bunch of other shit all at once. Its water-repellent covering means nothing inside this bag will get soggy in the rain either, meaning both the bag and its contents should last for years. But if you're on seat 3A and this bag's on seat 3B and I see you on the 16:58 Preston to Euston I will cut your god damn heart out.
[$120] / [£89.95]
These Adidas Iniki Sneakers are apparently inspired by 1970's running shoes, but during the 70's people ran away from hate crimes, nuclear war and the Viet-Cong, so I'm not so sure that's a selling point. I read somewhere that these shoes have a two-way stretch mesh and some suede bits and a shiny tongue too, and that they come in red, navy and pastel colourways. But to be honest I don't really give a shit. All I know is that big Dave on my block is gonna nick these off my feet when I wear them. He's big and mean and he hurts my private parts when I don't give him my shoes.
Made by companies in Taiwan and Macao, this CROZ See-through Digital Camera has a transparent acrylic casing so you can see everything that's going on inside. I've had something similar installed on my torso, and now everyone can see what's happening inside my man guts. But you didn't need to know that. What you do need to know is that this camera is simple, sleek, straightforward and fully customisable. But I guess most things are if you've got a big enough hammer and some glue.
My mum's nickname was the party bucket, but unlike her the Dakine Party Bucket can only take two bottles of wine inserted at once. Designed to fit around a typical five gallon bucket, the Dakine Party Bucket allows you to transport approximately "some" beer, "some more" ice and "a few" snacks with consummate ease. It also comes with a built-in bottle opener, eight insulated exterior can holders and some secret pockets for miscellaneous items like turkey jerky, lollipops or crack.
Baseballs was invented by Ken Baseballs in 1998 after he watched a preview screening of the Matrix and thought "they should beat each other with bats instead of all this pissing about." He later added a ball to the game, and hence the game of basingballs we know and love was born. And if you want to have a play of basersballs then you need one of these Custom Louisville Slugger Bats, then you can hit the ball dead hard towards the end zone or whatever. Get em made in whatever colour, shape and wood you want…except balsa wood probably.
What's your favourite sports game? I like that one where the man has a ball and he hits it really hard and it goes into the crowd and hurts an old lady the most. And I bet that would really sting if you used one of these Leather Head Sports Balls. This company makes all your favourite kind of balls but better, with baseballs, footballs and human balls finely crafted from dead nice leather. They're so nice you might never want to play with them, which begs the question…what's the f**king point?