[$30.29] / [£19.99]
Trying to spread cold butter on toast is like trying give tattoos to a moth. Until now your only option was to warm the butter up somehow, perhaps by placing it between your buttocks. But now the Spreadthat! Self-heating butter-knife does that for you. Coming in red and black, this handy gadget is made from thermal conductive titanium and it uses your own body heat to heat up in just 20 seconds. So what are you gonna do? Buy margarine like a poor person? Or eat hot buttery toast like a king courtesy of the Spreadthat!
It isn’t using GPS technology while you’re cycling; don’t pay attention and you’ll get lost, pay too much attention and someone will have to scoop up what’s left of you off the pavement. BeeLine have created an ingenious solution for cyclists who never know where the shit they’re going. This handlebar mounted device links to a smartphone app and can be attached to any bike. Once you set a destination you can give yourself waypoints or let your bike tell you the general direction like a compass. The waterproof ePaper screen gives you the distance and vague direction you need to go in, giving you even more time to look up and not ignore red lights like a dick.
Most of us want to slow the aging process by pumping ourselves full of botox, rat poison and liquidised horse foetuses. But when it comes to steak you want the opposite, for a deliciously aged steak is a glorious thing, a gift from god’s own refrigerator. Dry aged steaks cost a fortune from a restaurant, but with the SteakAger you can make your own. Simply whack your beef in this mains powered box, sling the box in the fridge, and leave it for 12-70 days depending on how tasty you want it / how impatient you are. This gadget contains a germicidal UVC lamp, a drying rack, and an exhaust fan so there is no smell inside your fridge. Although, considering it’s delicious steak, I might connect the fan to a hose and pump the smell into my own face.
[$7.88] / [£5]
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve used my teeth as a bottle opener, which is mostly because I’ve drunk away the memories. People use shoes, table-tops and the anuses of small mammals to crack open a cold one, but the Split Ring Bottle Opener solves that problem easily. This nickel-plated iron bottle opener masquerades as a keyring, ensuring you don’t come off as the alcoholic weirdo who always carries a bottle opener everywhere you go.
[$12.10] / [£9.90]
There are two ways to obtain giant ice balls. Take a knife to a snowman’s genitals, or buy these Frozenpeas Giant Ice Ball moulds. Spherical ice cubes melt 80% slower than square ones, so they don’t water your drink down as quickly. But more importantly they make you look like a right fancy bastard. These are made from synthetic rubber, and if you wanted you could squeeze actual peas into them and have a delicious orb of frozen pea mess. Pea mess sounds a bit like penis. Coincidence?
Have you always wanted to eat your dinner off your mother’s gravestone? I know I have. Now with SNAP I can! SNAP is a simple device made of steel which combines elastic and cables into an ingenious design. Four SNAPs can hold a 98KG load and like your dad it can take a thickness of 1 to 4 cm’s. What a delicate soul. This Kickstarter backed product comes in a variety of colours and sizes, enabling you to make tables, shelves and cabinets out of dartboards, coffins, and any old shite lying around your house.
Do you like the taste of things picked off a bush and steeped in hot water? I know I do. The only thing better than blended herbal tea is blended herbal tea with swearing on the packet. Thanks to the Tea Heads Co. you can now enjoy such exotic combinations as Sencha with Liquorice and Peppermint, Chamomile and Peppermint, or Chai Masala. There’s even a bonus Cheese and Onion tea. Actually I made that up, but a packet of Walkers and some hot water does me fine.
If you’re a geek and you’ve somehow persuaded another human to reproduce, then why not kit the whole family out in matching Nerdy With Children clothing. With retro references to shows, movies and video games like Captain Planet, Ghostbusters, Star Wars, Zelda and the Human Centipede (not really), these soft-polyester garments come in all shapes and sizes, enabling your whole family to look like one big happy family of nerds. And if your genitals are still in their original packaging, don’t fret, because those of you without families can just purchase these clothes for you and your living doll family to wear. You might even end up in some sort of documentary.
Tell most people you’ve got an iPhone 6 and they’ll tell you to shove it up your arse. Tell us lovely people and we’ll tell you to shove it in this awesome Lumenati camera accessory. The Lumenati looks like one of those old lo-fi super 8 cameras your grandparents shot old-timey pornography on, but it is actually an adapted 0.45x wide angle lens which you can slot an iPhone 6 or 6s into. So no longer will you look like the kind of douchebag who films every concert on an iPhone, now you’ll look like the kind of arty douchebag who films plastic bags dancing in the wind. You can only pre-order these for $199, because the Kickstarter ended last month, so tough.