[$10.75] / [£104.49]
If you were to ask me what Sriracha tastes like I’d tell you it holds the flavour of a thousand deaf peaches. Ask someone who has actually tasted Sriracha and they’ll say spicy tomato or something. Look, you searched for this, so you know what it tastes like. Mix that shit with ketchup and voila, Heinz Sriracha Ketchup. 14 ounces of sauce that I assume goes nicely on fries, chicken, pork, children’s eyes and your naked body at 3am when you’ve run out of lubricant.
Working from home means my commute to work isn’t dangerous, unless I fail to feed my cat Mojo. He’s a prick. But those of you who cycle to work and don’t want to end up pulverised into a moist collection of pavement gristle may enjoy Volvo’s Lifepaint. Like Dracula on jobseekers this paint doesn’t work during the day but comes to life at night. Spray the invisible mist on your bike or clothes and when it gets dark it is illuminated by car headlights and lampposts like Fukushima hookers.
Finally, a product that drunks and hoarders can both enjoy. Introducing the Beer Cap Map. If you have a bottlecap habit worse than the Tasmanian Devil’s then maybe you’d enjoy pushing them into tiny holes on a map of your country. Each map is made from 5mm plywood and they work with most bottle caps. Available in USA, UK, Canada and one or two other countries plus all the American states. It isn’t available in the shape of Saudi Arabia, a dry country, even though that would be funny.
The Amazon Dash button is a wireless ordering button you can set up to easily replenish those household items you buy every week. Stick it near where you use it, bam. I get that. It’s convenient. But…have they thought of the downsides? I should be hired to tell companies how dickheads might use their invention. I’d swap the stickers on your toilet roll and coffee. I’d order you 12,000 tampons because tampons are funny. I’d put the condom button in your kids room. Come on people, think of the consequences!
Bicycle U-locks are great for smashing criminals in the face with, but they’re damn heavy. The Litelok is a lightweight ultra-strong solution to this. Made from a composite called Boaflexicore it weights less than 1 kilogram and is flexible enough to wrap round objects. Like an indecisive emo you’ll never see this getting cut. Cable cutters, bolt croppers and hacksaws won’t touch it. A tank might. But if you have a tank why would you want to steal a bike? Do I have to solve everything?
As a barely functioning alcoholic if I don’t have a bottle opener I’ll simply smash my brew open and cut my gums to shreds. For you fancy bastards with your dignity you may want to purchase the Pico Micro Bottle Opener. This sleek design fits on a tiny keychain which you use as leverage. And despite its size it remains surprisingly effective at removing bottlecaps. Like a virgin on a first date it needs only a single tug to get it off.
[$17.39] / [£12.98]
All hail the sun lord, for he is the giver of all things, such as life to nature, heat to humanity, and a sweet set of tanned ass-cheeks to ladies everywhere. You know what else the sun is good for? Charging these Solar Powered Light Up Bricks. These sturdy swines will stand up to rain, water, feet, cat-shit, tornadoes and lava. Well maybe not the last two. But still, these heavy glass long-lasting brick lights.
Smartphone chargers are like ugly friends who drive, they’re a hideous necessity. Don’t put up with your out of the box dull black chargers anymore, just spend some dough one of these SuperFly ultra-durable cables. The tight fabric outer layer looks great while doing the job underneath with strong aluminium connectors to prevent fraying or splitting. Available for Android and Apple smartphones, this is the most enjoyable way to lay some cable without taking your pants off.
I spend all day playing with my balls, and now kids can too thanks to The Hackaball. This is a programmable toy for kids who love technology but spend too much time sat on their fat asses. Using a simple app tiny humans can create their own games using the interior sensors, speakers and lights. High-tech hackey sack anyone? Or maybe it’s a bomb you have to pass around before the deadly blue light appears? Personally, I’d program it to make fart noises when thrown at ginger kids.
The honey you buy in the store is about as pure as Miley Cyrus. It’s mostly sugar syrup with Honey Monster’s jizz thrown in for luck. This Flow Hive is a great option for people who love fresh honey but hate effort. $600 will get you the whole hive and extraction kit including the box, frames and tubing; all you need are some bees. Or do what I do and make maggot honey. It’s horrible but the name sounds funny.
Pebble Time – the name of an awesome new smartwatch and the term I use to describe my bathroom trip after a night eating Indian food. This color e-paper smartwatch has up to 7 days of battery life, allows you to dictate replies to social media, and is entirely waterproof; meaning you could lie dead for a week at the bottom of a lake and fish could reply to your friends. Fully compatible with 6500+ Pebble apps and watchfaces, these stylish bastards begin shipping in May 2015.