[$39.95] / [£34]
Actual pizzas don’t make the best drying implements, in fact they often lead to greased up shins and an over-cheesing of the groin. This Pepperoni Pizza towel is therefore perfect for those who want the experience of drying themselves with a pizza without the downside of looking and smelling like an Italian. This 1.5 metre cotton towel will soon be available in vegetarian, presumably because some knobhead complained. Get ready for summer 2016’s gluten-free towel range.
[$229] / [£243]
Ever wanted to be a superhero but minus the part where you’re bitten by a radioactive creature? Then you’re a pussy, but fine, here are some Kangaroo Shoes that you could wear to become Kangaroo Guy or something. These bouncy bastards work like Roller Blades, except with the wheels replaced by trampolines. They take about 15 minutes to get used to, and are a great exercise tool for those looking to build muscle or lose weight. And if you’re really fat and have leftover skin once you’ve lost weight, you can cut that open and make a real kangaroo pouch to store babies in. Your transformation is complete. Kangaroo, AWAY!
You say omatoe, I say Omata, and only one of us is right. Me. The Omata One GPS Speedometer is a super duper advanced GPS computer for cyclists to help them figure out where they’re going. But only on the street, not in life. The device displays speed, distance, ascent and time but nothing else, because really that’s all you need. Well, maybe directions to the local flower store for your relatives when a bus wipes you out, but hey, that’s not your problem! The Omata has a 24 hour battery life, is made from high performance plastic and aluminium, and your ride data can be jizzed over to a computer via USB-C connection. Great. Now your family can see exactly how you died.
There are two reasons why I hate lying down on the beach. First, I hate getting sand up my ass-crack. And second, sometimes there’s sandy dog shit just lying in wait for you to relax on top of. The Ultimate Inflatable Air Lounger solves both of these problems and allows you to relax by the beach in comfort. This lightweight and durable loungers inflate without a pump and can be deflated in seconds when needed. They can be used on grass, sand, water, and lava. Maybe. They also come with iPad holders and bottle openers, because what device doesn’t come with fancy modern amenities these days. Even my Grandmother has a USB charging port now, and she’s dead.
[$22.95] / [£19.99]
Despite looking like something birthed after a bong fucked a teapot, the Porron Drinks Decanter is actually a rather elegant piece of glassware which is quite popular in the Catalan region of Spain. So there. Made from recycled glass and capable of storing 1litre of wine, Kool-Aid or urine, the point of a Porron is to allow drinkers to gulp straight from the decanter without getting each other’s gross mouth germs all over the rim. And nobody likes getting germs on the rim, do they?
The Picnic Table in a Briefcase – a perfect accessory for both the spontaneous picnicker and the brain-damaged businessmen with a wood fetish. This portable collapsible table can seat up to four idiots for a horrible meal anywhere you like, and its aluminium frame means that at least two of them can probably be really fat. With each chair sustaining up to 220lbs that means you can eat a whole heap of scotch eggs, sausage rolls, pork pies, mini quiches, quartered sandwiches and many other pointless foods which nobody considers appropriate at anywhere other than a picnic.
[$28.79] / [£19.99]
The Illumibowl Toilet Light fits inside your toilet using suction cups and is motion activated – which doesn’t mean it only works when you take a dump, however great that would be. It comes with 9 different colour options and to save batteries it only lights up in the dark, which is good, because nobody wants to be the guy who has to change the toilet batteries every week. So why would you want a light-up toilet? Well, perhaps it’s Halloween and you’re pretending to have a haunted crapper. Alternatively you might have kids who piss and shit everywhere and this will help stop that. Or maybe you like to fantasise that you’re leaving a Cleveland steamer on a hot glowing alien in the middle of the night. Who cares frankly, it makes your fucking toilet glow, you know you need it.
Alcohol should always be drunk from the correct vessel, otherwise you look like a dick. Whiskey should be from a simple glass tumbler, champagne from a flute, tequila from a shot glass, and Coors from a tramp’s shoe found under a bridge. If you’re enjoying a Moscow Mule however, you simply must drink them from these delightful Mini Moscow Mule Shot Glasses. They’re made from copper, which helps to keep your drink cold and your appearance hipstery. Only one of those things is useful, but the deliciousness of an ice cold mule more than makes up for anything else.
Hey, do you remember this bike from the 60’s? No, me neither. But some people did and they made a new one. Isn’t it shiny? The Rokon Trail-breaker has two wheel drive, inverted front suspension, hollow wheels, wider tires and many customisable features. I bet if you wanted you could fit a dildo to the seat. Imagine riding over all that rough terrain. Oh my. With its 3 speed transmission and 208cc four stroke engine you’d need just the one stroke to take you all the way to flavor country.
As the number of portable electronic devices we carry increases, so does our requirement for an efficient and simple charging solution. But if you thought filling your pockets with radioactive spiders would help then you are sadly mistaken and also an idiot. The Zolt multi charger is your real saviour, coming as it does with three USB ports and a bunch of adapters allowing you to charge tablets, smartphones, laptops, and probably a blender if you MacGyver the shit out of it. And when you’re on your death bed being slowly consumed by thousands of smartphone induced tumors, you’ll thank your lucky stars that at least you’ve got enough power left to view one more snapchat. Ohh look, Lewis had a burrito for dinner. I can die happy.