[$79.97] / [£60]
I often get so drunk I forget where my feet are, so these Light-up LED shoes are perfect for me. They’re perfect for you too, if you’re the kind of person who wants to look like they’ve stood in radioactive dog shit. Each shoe has seven static colours and five flashy colour modes in case you didn’t think bright purple glowing sneakers were enough. They’re available in men’s and women’s versions, charged via USB, and are the perfect footwear for raves or disco-funerals.
If you’re stood drinking out of a regular midget-sized can and your friend is downing beer straight from a ManCan, you’re going to look like a bit of a knob. Not affiliated in any way with the Mankini, the ManCan is a portable keg which can hold up to a gallon of delicious fighting juice. The stainless steel ManCan has a pressure regulating CO2 cartridge and standard keg tap, keeping your beer fizzy and fresh for up to a week…if you’re too much of a soft-arse to drink it all before then.
Beer pong is a fantastic way to spend a booze fuelled evening and spread STDs quickly and efficiently. But until now any Beer Pong athletes with OCD would spend the entire time re-racking the cups and getting all anxious over the weird gaps in between. Now with these Hexagonal Beer Pong Cups both of those terrible problems are no more. Phew, now it’s just world hunger and terrorism to sort then we’re done.
[$55] / [£29]
Usually if people ask to show you their meat box you should probably say no, but with this Artisan Meat Subscription Box clearly that’s not the case. Yes that’s right, for bugger-all money you can get a specially picked box of fancy meats delivered directly to your door. It’s a subscription…to fucking meat! Do I even need to bother selling it to you anymore? You’ve already bought four haven’t you? These make an excellent gift to meat lovers, and are a fantastic way of bullying a vegetarian. Plus it doubles up as a lovely dress-up box for Lady Gaga enthusiasts.
The most annoying thing about carrying a big fucking knife out in public is the funny looks you get from mums on the bus. “Oh keep that machete away from my child, he’s allergic to severe wounds that aren’t gluten free”. Blah blah blah. Thankfully with the Ti Bandit Pocket Knife I can keep weaponry on me at all times without anyone knowing. This ultra-slim lightweight pocket knife is made of Titanium, and its rust-proof blade will survive a lifetime of slicing, stabbing, cutting, paring and prying. You can even attach it to a keychain…if you want. I won’t force you. Or maybe I will, now I’ve got a brand new knife.
[$42.79] / [£29]
After watching Leonardo Di Caprio get all mauled and shit by a big-ass bear in that film, the first thing I wanted to do when I get home was spend the night being spooned by a grizzly. With these Bear Hug Pillows you can do just that, and without the hassle of having to flirt with an actual bear and persuade it to come back to your place for coffee. They come in both Panda and Grizzly designs so you can choose a different kind of bear every night. Unfortunately there’s no news on when the Bill Cosby edition will be out.
As the human brain is given ever more useless junk to remember, like birthdays, your lover’s name and CPR, eventually something has to give way. Apparently that thing is “using your brain to count and stuff”, because with the Wilson X Connected Basketball you’ll never need to use your brain-pulp to keep track of scores ever again. This ritzy tricked out rock comes with a built in processor and all sorts of algorithms and shit. Using the accompanying app you can then keep track of scores, play different game modes, and scientifically determine how much you suck at basketball. Neato!
[$27.25] / [£13.95]
OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARE MADE OUT OF POTATOES? Until today I did not, but now I have become aware of this illuminating knowledge I’ll be purchasing myself a Kitchen Craft Potato Chipper. No longer must I make do with frozen fries from a bag, or pre-prepared cooked fries from the takeout joint on the corner of my street. NO! From now on I’ll use the stainless steel blades on this bastard to make 10mm fries and 13mm fries like a fucking boss.
The Edgestar Ultra Low Temperature Kegerator and Keg Beer Cooler has such a catchy name I’m surprised it’s not caught on all around the world. However much of a mouthful its moniker may be, that’s nothing compared to the delicious suds of foaming ale which await you with this baby. Perfect for beer enthusiasts who want to play with a kegerator before buying a full commercial unit, this fancy bit of beermaking kit stores up to a standard full size half barrel keg, which is a quarter of my daily alcohol intake.
[$42.50] / [£44.99]
Every time I hit the beach I get two things…crabs, and sand all over my beach towel. But with the Sand Free Beach Towel at least I don’t have to worry about the second one. This fancy fabric magically lets sand through one way, but not the other way, so no more sandy butt-cheeks for you and the family. It comes in a whole bunch of colours…probably, I don’t know. I’m just waiting for the version that keeps tiny lice at bay.