[$707.34] / [£669]
You know the Black Label 6061 Bike is a fancy bit of kit because they use clever words in the description to say so. Its frame is made from "high-end" aluminium. The forks are made from "carbon fiber steer tubes". And it has something called a "Flip flop hub". I don't know what that is, but I like the sound of it. The Black Label is also fully customisable, so whether you're a fat bloke riding to work or a slender lass who bikes up mountains, the 6061 can be faffed with to suit your needs. Just make sure you remember to put the brakes on properly. I forgot when I was assembling my son's bike, and now he thinks his fingers are spaghetti.
[$13.50] / [£14.01]
On the list of tasks which make your hands stink, crushing garlic has to be up there with changing nappies, stroking sick dogs and getting to second base with a hobo. But with the Joseph Joseph Garlic Crusher's innovative design your mitts are guaranteed to remain vampire friendly and distinctly unattractive to Frenchmen. The stainless steel used to make this mincer and crusher already helps to remove garlic smells from your fingers, but the fact is you probably won't even need to touch that pungent stuff if you use it in the right way. All you need do is press the crusher down on a single clove, lift it up, and scrape off the pulp using a spoon. Easy pinky no more stinky.
Are you paranoid that the Government wants to take away your right to bear razorblades, dollar bills, tic-tacs and cheese strings? Then just purchase one of these Premium Concealed Carry Belts, and they'll never find your precious treasure, no matter how much the Feds pat you down. Items can be stored within the belt's three hidden pouches, and the belt itself is made of strong English harness leather. Also, its buckle is apparently so strong it could easily break a car window. I don't know why that would ever be necessary, but I guess it doesn't hurt to know. Available in various sizes from anorexic through to morbidly obese, this belt can also be used to store bullets, secrets, wasps, love notes, candy bars, toilet paper and rice.
For folks who've never heard of a bedside fucking lamp, seeing these Nitespecs LED Reading Glasses must feel like it did for cavemen when they discovered fire. Available in six different lens sizes from Squinty Blind to Full-on Stevie Wonder, Nitespecs use watch batteries to power a set of simple LED lights mounted on the frame like car headlights. But you don't have to use these things just for reading you know. Why not try banging in them? I dunno, could be fun?
Would you spend $20,000 to swim inside a shipping container? Me neither. But apparently some idiots would, otherwise this mental Australian company wouldn't be selling these Shipping Container Swimming Pools. There are two versions available of these glorified trash cans, with their only difference being an extra 6 metres in length and a further ten grand on the price. If you're tempted to buy one of these monstrosities I suggest you do what I do whenever I'm feeling frisky. Go sort yourself out by having a bath or jumping in a garbage bin full of rainwater, and then ask yourself if it's still a good idea.
Contrary to what its name suggests, the Freud Stovetop Espresso Maker doesn't produce coffee which makes you want to bang your mother. To be honest that's for the best, as I don't need any more help in that department. Wait, what? Nevermind. This Espresso maker sits comfortably on your hob and allows you to brew freshly ground coffee with ease, or store bought…if you're a pleb. It's also made from sustainable oak and hand-crafted steel, so if you're wondering why it's £114 instead of a fiver like those ones on Ebay, now you know.
The Hornet claims to be the world's smallest stun gun, and with 6,000,000 volts packed into this baby who are you to argue? Nobody, that's who, because I'll shock your nuts right off if you even look at me wrong. It also comes with a flashlight, you know, so you can see who's trying to molest you before you zap them in the throat. Weighing less than 2 ounces and measuring just half an inch thick, the Hornet is discrete enough to carry with you at all times. So the next time the dog's barking too loudly, the kids are playing up or your bound and gagged partner needs a little love shock, the Hornet will be on hand to fulfil all of your brutal, tasing requirements.
This Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill can cook up to six strips of regular or thick-cut bacon in mere minutes. How many minutes? I don't know, a bunch I guess. But it has an illuminated cooking timer so that'll probably tell you. The grill's design enables grease to funnel away neatly into the tray below, leaving you two wonderful things as a result - crispy bacon, and a fuckload of grease to drink at your leisure.
[$699.95] / [£461.65]
If I could live in a cave I would, because with a single entrance and exit point it means I've only got to look in one direction to check my house for monsters. But a neat second-best is the Heimplanet Inflatable Cave Tent, whose revolutionary design allows you to pump up a temporary abode in less than a minute. It's also made from high-quality durable materials, which is good, as getting a puncture in your tent at Glastonbury would be a right pain in the arse. The Heimplanet Cave Tent seats five people in the main chamber and sleeps…well…as many as you're comfortable with. Depends how chummy you wanna get.
[$799.99] / [£549]
The ROLI Seaboard RISE 25 MIDI Keyboard is a piece of equipment which baffles me, but whose purpose I shall nevertheless attempt to figure out in exchange for money. Apparently it has seamless hardware-software integration, wireless Bluetooth MIDI capabilities, comes bundled with Equator and exudes a sleek, intuitive design suitable for newcomers and professionals. I guess it makes some kind of sweet music, maybe it's the kind of thing Kraftwerk would use? Ah apparently I'm right, as it's the world's first purpose built, multidimensional software synthesiser. Well strike me down with a frozen stool, aren't I clever? Fucking expensive though.
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?