[$17.39] / [£12.98]
All hail the sun lord, for he is the giver of all things, such as life to nature, heat to humanity, and a sweet set of tanned ass-cheeks to ladies everywhere. You know what else the sun is good for? Charging these Solar Powered Light Up Bricks. These sturdy swines will stand up to rain, water, feet, cat-shit, tornadoes and lava. Well maybe not the last two. But still, these heavy glass long-lasting brick lights would turn even John Wayne Gacy’s back yard into a magical paradise.
Smartphone chargers are like ugly friends who drive, they’re a hideous necessity. Don’t put up with your out of the box dull black chargers anymore, just spend some dough one of these SuperFly ultra-durable cables. The tight fabric outer layer looks great while doing the job underneath with strong aluminium connectors to prevent fraying or splitting. Available for Android and Apple smartphones, this is the most enjoyable way to lay some cable without taking your pants off.
I spend all day playing with my balls, and now kids can too thanks to The Hackaball. This is a programmable toy for kids who love technology but spend too much time sat on their fat asses. Using a simple app tiny humans can create their own games using the interior sensors, speakers and lights. High-tech hackey sack anyone? Or maybe it’s a bomb you have to pass around before the deadly blue light appears? Personally, I’d program it to make fart noises when thrown at ginger kids.
The honey you buy in the store is about as pure as Miley Cyrus. It’s mostly sugar syrup with Honey Monster’s jizz thrown in for luck. This Flow Hive is a great option for people who love fresh honey but hate effort. $600 will get you the whole hive and extraction kit including the box, frames and tubing; all you need are some bees. Or do what I do and make maggot honey. It’s horrible but the name sounds funny.
Pebble Time – the name of an awesome new smartwatch and the term I use to describe my bathroom trip after a night eating Indian food. This color e-paper smartwatch has up to 7 days of battery life, allows you to dictate replies to social media, and is entirely waterproof; meaning you could lie dead for a week at the bottom of a lake and fish could reply to your friends. Fully compatible with 6500+ Pebble apps and watchfaces, these stylish bastards begin shipping in May 2015.
Eventually we’ll all have tracking devices inserted for security and pleasure, but tracking possessions is also important. Bike Hawk’s GPS Tracking units use GPS with 2.5 metre accuracy to keep a close eye on where the hell you left your bike. The tracking components available inside seats, handlebars or taillights last over a month off one charge. If you want to track a stolen bike, draw penis cycle routes on google maps, or monitor your kids journey to a pervert’s home, you need the Bike Hawk GPS Trackers.
[$ Dependent on service requested]
Still Googling things yourself like a sucker? Start using Magic, a 24/7 service who will order you anything you like using pre-supplied address and payment info. Their number, 83489, is shorter than the word Google by one letter, saving valuable finger strength for when your partner comes over. Costing just a standard message rate, they’ll order you anything legal; beer, flowers, a hot air balloon, although I’d like to test how good they are and ask for a capuchin monkey in lingerie, which is still technically legal.
This Nessie shaped Ladle makes a great gift for people who enjoy soup, dinosaurs, and toughened nylon; because that’s what it is used for, resembles, and is made of. Nessie is of course the legendary inhabitant of Loch Ness in Scotland, a country famous for being a nation of drunks. You may wish to use this implement to scoop your own sick out of the sink after too many cans of Special Brew; just one of the many uses for this enchanting Nessie Ladle.
Motorised personal vehicles took an image hit with the release of the Segway, the transportational equivalent of a French kiss with Grandma. The DTV Shredder rectifies this mistake. This offroad combination of motocross power and board-sport control was developed with top X-Gamers and is poised to become the next big action sport. With its 5400 rpm engine capable of speeds up to 25 miles per hour, this vehicle that looks like Johnny Five screwed a Tank is your answer to all-terrain world domination.
Lasers are in everything these days, cars, phones, your mutant son’s eyes. Glow have created these Laser Light Smart Headphones available in blue, green and red. Unlike most gimmicky earphones they don’t sound like listening to music through a garbage can, using in-ear passive noise isolation and a dual balanced armature. It also syncs the light to your beats, and if they hit the 1mil target it’ll sync to your heart rate. Your earphones will know when you’re dying before you do.