Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Enter below for a chance to get your hands on a "Microbrewer" one gallon home-brewing kit courtesy of brew box kits! These kits not only look the business they produce the business, taking as little as two weeks to create 8-10 tasty tasty beers. Look at it, it's beautiful!

brew box giveaway
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!

Giant Cola Bottle
[$20.29] / [£12.99]
Whether it’s Christmas, a birthday or just a special occasion, give someone the gift of Type 2 Diabetes with this massive fuck-off Cola Bottle. Remember those jelly sweets you used to get as a kid? Everyone knows the cola bottles were the best. Why buy a pack of fifty and eat them individually like some sort of brain-dead moron when you could chew on this huge sugary blob which is 120 times the size of a regular gummi bottle. There is a diet version coming out soon, but seriously, what is the point? We’re all going to die one day, do you want to go whilst lovingly sleeping next to your partner in bed like a little bitch? If the end is nigh, go out whilst chewing on an oversized gummi coke bottle.

Also, were you kinda weird and enjoyed chewing the heads off gummi bears to swap them around and make mixed-race monstrosities? I was, so why not do it with a gummi-bear the size of a small marmot.

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Giant Cola Bottle
Giant Cola Bottle

The Chillsner
[$28.11] / [£24.99]
Offer a man a cold beer and he’ll be your friend for life, offer him a warm brew and prepare to have your insides taken out and shown to you. Some disgusting excuses for a human sometimes throw ice into their beer, but what if you want it straight from the bottle and not all nicely poured into a glass like a fancy Frenchman? The Chillsner is your solution. Yes, it may look like a sex toy for curious young chaps, and I’m almost certain it will be used as one, but the Chillsner’s ingenious design means it’s foremost purpose must be to chill beer. By freezing it for 90 minutes you can then jab this chilled metal rod into your bottle and drink through it, rendering all suds who pass as cold as arctic snow. You could use it for bottles of soda I suppose, but that would be more offensive than sticking it up your butt.

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The Chillsner
The Chillsner
The Chillsner

The Aeropress
[$25.40] / [£24.03]
Coffee gives me diarrhoea. I still drink it, but I usually have to walk around in adult diapers. The worst culprit is instant, but I’m not one of those idiots who gets up at 5am just to brew coffee in the morning. I think I might just buy one of these Aeropress Coffee Makers then, and get nice tasting coffee without wasting time or soiling myself by brunch. These single-cup coffee presses result in a smoother, less bitter flavour than usual methods. The Aeropress contains micro-filters so you don’t get a beach full of grit on the last gulp, and from start to finish it takes 20 seconds to press, as opposed to the hours you waste cleaning crap out of your regular filter machines / underwear.

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The Aeropress
The Aeropress

The Headgehog Multi-Function Comb
[$9] / [£6]
The Headgehog is a multi-purpose comb shaped like a hedgehog that fits neatly into your wallet. It is much more practical than carrying around an actual hedgehog, for reasons I shall now demonstrate. Firstly, combing your hair with a hedgehog is traumatic for both parties and can lead to mites, whereas the headgehog is a lovely and clean Stainless Steel hair-fixer thing. The Headgehog also contains a bottle opener, phillips screwdriver and a wrench. If you use a hedgehog’s mouth or anus to open bottles and bolts, you’ll have a dead hedgehog and a load of mess to clean up. With the addition of a money clip, chip clip and phone stand, the Headgehog beats the hedgehog hands down as a multi-purpose must-have wallet accessory, relegating the hedgehog into the category of roadkill slash occasional tennis ball.

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The Headgehog Multi-Function Comb
The Headgehog Multi-Function Comb
The Headgehog Multi-Function Comb

Wasabi Candy Canes
[$3.94] / [£5]
Ah the site of young whippersnappers frolicking around the Christmas tree, what a joyous moment to behold. The little scamps tear open their gifts, chomp on chocolates, and then gasp as they spy some delicious candy canes dangling from your tree. The little tykes dash to the treats as fast as their little legs will carry them, before greedily stuffing into their mouths the sugary delights you have so graciously provided them with. Then, their eyes narrow, their cheeks redden, they realise something underhand has occurred. The piercing heat of these Wasabi Candy Canes burns the tongues of those gluttonous little shits and tears start to stream down their fat faces. Ha, Merry Christmas you filthy little bastards. Or, you know, you could just give these to people who like Wasabi. Either or.

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Wasabi Candy Canes
Wasabi Candy Canes

Boom Box Touch Speaker
[$39] / [£24.99]
The worst thing to happen when you’re having a party at the back of a bus like a boss, is when someone brings a smartphone speaker out and it’s not compatible with everyone’s phone. You have to faff with a connector, a Bluetooth setup or a 3.5mm jack when you could be blasting out some of Will Smith’s hot new cuts to the elderly people and children who surround you. Screw that, just use the Boom Box Touch Speaker. You literally plop your phone or mp3 player on top of it with the device’s speaker facing down, and this USB charged speaker will blast out music for ten hours. Now all you need is a better taste in music, you terrible human being.

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Boom Box Touch Speaker
Boom Box Touch Speaker
Boom Box Touch Speaker

Stealth TV Remote
[$2.76] / [£2]
When families gather round the TV they no longer tune in to gritty dramas or interesting documentaries about monkeys, instead they gape at some daft sod with a dead mum who can’t sing for shit. If you want to take control of the situation then grab yourself one of these Stealth TV Remotes. Compatible with over 500 brands of TV, you can torment Granny to your heart’s content as she tries to watch her Christmas soaps and you keep flicking over to Babestation. Just be careful, she might actually like it and start flicking over something else.

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Stealth TV Remote
Stealth TV Remote
Stealth TV Remote

Nutella Spreader
[$2.50]
Thank God for those boffins at Nutella for coming up with yet another essential tool for modern living….the Nutella Spreader. Gone are the days of using a knife, finger or pet rat to eek out the last few morsels of tasty chocolatey nut-goo, with this handy plastic gadget never again will you have to turn up to ER at 3am with your fist stuck in a jar. Don’t you dare try using this spreader with anything but Nutella though, because there are various horrific consequences. Use it with peanut butter and your arse bursts into flames. Try it with margarine and a wolf comes to eat your dad’s face off. Jam? Marmalade? Your entire family are burnt to death by pyromaniac squirrels. Be warned.

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Nutella Spreader
Nutella Spreader

Full bottle XL Wine Glass
[$13.98] / [£5.99]
There’s a simple and effective way to keep track of how much you’ve drank in a night, and that is by drinking the entire contents of every bottle you come across. Now you don’t want to look like some sort of drunken oaf, so impress guests, ambassadors and foreign dignitaries by whipping out your penis…I mean this XL Wine Glass. It holds an entire bottle of wine, and after you’ve finished could double up as a portable urinal should the mood take you. The mood frequently takes me. Another possible use for the XL Wine Glass is in a bar fight. I pity the poor sod who comes at you with a broken champagne flute, only for you to brandish this behemoth to slice their gizzards with.

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Full bottle XL Wine Glass
Full Bottle XL Wine Glass

Coloured Toilet Roll
[$19.40] / [£6.99]
The Romans used a sponge on a stick, some societies still use their hands, but aren’t we just as bad? For years we’ve wiped our arses with plain old white crinkled paper, so it’s time for a change. Until we figure out how to use the three seashells method from Demolition Man we’re going to have to stick to paper, literally, with our excrement. Isn’t that a lovely image. Renova have brought out a range of coloured crack wipes that are lightly scented, soft and absorbent…until you use them to scrape up last night’s takeaway of course. Coming in packs of six, they even do a brown version, which is funny, because that’s the colour of poo. Unless you’re ill, in which case they also do yellow and red versions. I’d suggest you go to the doctor before buying fancy bot paper though.

Is your picky anus still not satisfied? How about glow in the dark bog roll or designer plop rubs. And even shiny shiny gold bumkerchiefs, like what the Queen probably uses when she’s run out of swans.

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Coloured Toilet Roll
Coloured Toilet Roll
Coloured Toilet Roll

The Air Umbrella
[$88]
If it’s pouring it down with rain outside and you don’t have a regular umbrella, your only options are to grapple with a stranger who does own an umbrella, or lie flat on your back with your anus pointing into the air in order to release a constant stream of gas which forces the rain away from your body. Now you have a third option that does this in a more elegant but less satisfying fashion. The Air Umbrella is so innovative that it won a design award from that Dyson bloke who makes hoovers that you can’t put your winky in to. I hate him. The Air Umbrella is essentially a battery powered fan that wafts away any pesky raindrops near your face. I don’t know if it works with gravy but you should try it. There are various sizes and prices available from their Kickstarter page, so you too can look like a fancy future jerk with your invisible Air Umbrella thingamabob.

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The Air Umbrella
The Air Umbrella
The Air Umbrella



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