3Doodler – The World’s First 3D Printing Pen
[$149.99] / [£99.99]
When I was a child I drew some horrific things, and I always wished they could one day come to life and haunt my family as they did my dreams. Well now they can! Because some clever sods made a pen you can draw 3D stuff out of. The 3Doodler allows you to physically draw stuff in the air, with no computers or robots required! Draw a horsey, draw a sunshine, draw a happy kitty! Or just do what everyone else will and make a load of 3D penises, with realistic throbbing veins. You could even draw yourself some food, and the best part is it would be completely poisonous! Awesome! This set comes with a plug to plug it in, obviously. You also get two refill packs called Meta and Essentials, and there are three other types available too. The only downside is the metal tip gets really hot. However a bonus feature is the metal tip which gets really hot. See what I did there? Burn people AND draw 3D stuff? It’s win win.

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3Doodler – The World’s First 3D Printing Pen
3Doodler – The World’s First 3D Printing Pen
3Doodler – The World’s First 3D Printing Pen
3Doodler – The World’s First 3D Printing Pen

The Godfather Mansion
[$2.89m]
Holy spazballs, the Godfather house is for sale! Total property boner. You can actually own the setting for two of the best movies of all time, and one really shit one, and it’s all yours for the princely sum of £1.85 million ($2.89m). If you are a millionaire and you aren’t buying this there is no point to your existence, kill yourself. 110 Longfellow Avenue on Staten Island, New York is home to 5 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms, a gym, a basement that features a mock English pub and 24,000 square feet of grounds. Imagine owning this place, wandering around pretending you’re Don Corleone. “Say hello to my little friend!”. “The truth, the truth, you can’t handle the truth!”. “I’m the king of the world!”. These are just some of the incorrect movie quotes you could say in Don Corleone’s voice while relaxing on the patio. Now here I’m supposed to make the obvious joke from Mr Obvioustown that you should make them an offer they can’t refuse. Imagine how many times the owners have heard that. It was probably a choice between selling the place or caving their own skulls in with a five iron. Still, for the price of a London one bedroom flat you could own the second most iconic home in movie villain history, after the Home Alone one. Kevin Mcallister kept a load of baby corpses in the basement, that’s why he wins.

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The Godfather Mansion
The Godfather Mansion

Front Runner Spare Tire BBQ Grate
[$138] / [£94.99]
So you’re driving along a dusty road, beach is nearby, then suddenly it hits you. Shit! I’ve not eaten beef today! You screech as you swerve across two lanes to crash your car into a family having a picnic, jump out of your car and whip out your meat. Then you realise you have nothing to cook it on! Well now you do. The Front Runner Spare tire BBQ Grate is simply a grate shaped piece of stainless steel you whack over your spare tire when not needed. Then when you suddenly get a hankering to cook meat outside, you whip it off, stick fire under it and food on top, and begin to slowly develop your very own spare tire as you gorge on animal parts. Fitting 29 inch to 35 inch tires, it doesn’t come with a strap or anything, but meat juices might help it cling to your tire. Also read the questions people have asked on their site, one idiot asked if they should let it cool down before fixing it back to their tire. That person is a moron.

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£ Check it out

Front Runner Spare Tire BBQ Grate
Front Runner Spare Tire BBQ Grate
Front Runner Spare Tire BBQ Grate

The Nutribullet
[$89.99] / [£84.99]
When I first heard the name Nutribullet I thought finally! A pocket sized vibrator that provides all the vitamins and minerals a pervert like me needs with his hectic yet sensual lifestyle. Then I found out it was a kind of blender and not something that goes in your ass…the opposite in fact. The Nutribullet doesn’t juice stuff, it doesn’t blend stuff, it pulverizes the shit out of anything you put inside it. The Extractor blade cuts through stems, stalks, bone, souls and feelings easily, as does the accompanying milling blade. For just six easy payments of some money plus some more money for postage, you can get these sharp whirly things, the power base that does all the kerjigger, a 24oz cup, two smaller cups, lids and a recipe book. My favourite part of the promotional video is the lady who tells you to us the Nutribullet before turning to drugs. Wise advice lady, wise advice.

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The Nutribullet
The Nutribullet
The Nutribullet

Fucking Hell Beer
[£9.99]
Twatt, Shitterton, Fingringhoe…ah these truly are wonderful British place names. But none of these towns have taken the initiative and created a beer in honour of their glorious moniker. Step forward the fine people of Fucking, a small Austrian Village most famous for being called Fucking…obviously. The Fucking Hell Beer is a 4.9% pale brew described as mild and tangy in equal measure, just like fucking! Most people only shout Fucking Hell after they’ve sipped the horse-piss concoction that is Fosters, so at least now when you shout it you’ll simply be describing a delicious craft ale from Austria. And nobody can stop you. Probably.

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Fucking Hell Beer
Fucking Hell Beer
Fucking Hell Beer
Fucking Hell Beer

Geometric Skull Mask
[$7.21] / [£4.50]
Whether you need a quick and cheap Halloween costume or you just want to frighten kids at the local swimming baths, this easy to make Geometric Skull Mask will come in handy for a variety of horror based situations. You simply pay this particular etsy seller less than $8, they whizz over a PDF to you and you print out the template yourself! Easy peasy. They do a tonne of other awesome angular masks which you can decorate to your heart’s content, so go mental and buy yourself all of them. All you need is some glue or a glue-like substance, some tape, and something that can cut things like scissors, a knife, or a emo kid. Then you’re all set to create your own fancy skull mask. Isn’t that bloody marvellous? The future ay, I love it.

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Geometric Skull Mask
Geometric Skull Mask
Geometric Skull Mask
Geometric Skull Mask

The Travelcard Charger
[$39]
After a tough day of sending naked toilet selfies to strangers, my phone’s juice is usually shot by 5pm. At this point I’d usually whip out my portable charger to give my phone some more power, but unfortunately those things are so bulky that I accidentally sat on it and now it lives inside me. I wish I’d bought The Travelcard Charger instead, a ridiculously lightweight and slender little darling that fits inside your wallet ready to boost your smartphone’s battery. Compatible with Android phones and any phones made by Steve Job’s ghost from the iPhone 5 onwards, it comes in red, black, silver and blue and is the size of a credit card. Isn’t that nice?

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The Travelcard Charger
The Travelcard Charger
The Travelcard Charger
The Travelcard Charger

Gremlins and Fargo Knitwear
[GREMLINS $85] / [FARGO $85]
When you think of festive knitwear what immediately springs to mind? If it’s Gremlins and Coen Brothers’ films then you probably need medication, but also these awesome Gremlins and Fargo jumpers by Mondos! These officially licenced sweatshirts are 100% acrylic heavy knit, are shipped in time for Crimbo and they come in the usual sizes people tend to come in: skinny, fat, and skinnyfat. The Fargo one is mostly white so don’t be getting Minnesotan blood all over it, it’s a bugger to get out. And as for the Gremlins one, well obviously you won’t want to get that wet after midnight! Why? Because you’ll be piss-wet through at 1am in the morning looking like a right berk, obviously. What did you think? It was going to spawn jumper babies? You are an idiot.

GREMLINS
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FARGO
$ Check it out

Gremlins and Fargo Knitwear
Gremlins and Fargo Knitwear
Gremlins and Fargo Knitwear
Gremlins and Fargo Knit Sweater

Beer Soap 6 Pack
[$44] / [£5.99]
If you want to smell like a fragrant vagrant, an alcoholic with a nose for perfumes, or a real man who wants an aroma that entices the ladies, then the Beer Soap 6 Pack is the ideal cleansing product you don’t already own. The pack includes such delicate flavour combinations as Porter and Vanilla, Oatmeal Stout and Honey Pilsner, so you’ll have the feint musk of beer combined with fruity somewhat breakfasty smells. Breakfast and Beer, you’ll be the new Ron Swanson if you grow out a hearty moustache. But you probably can’t, so this is the next best thing. Beer is rich in vitamins, minerals, antioxidants and amino acids, and people need all that shit to live. A soap made with these essential things is going to leave your skin smoother than a baby’s arse.

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Beer Soap 6 Pack
Beer Soap 6 Pack
Beer Soap 6 Pack
Beer Soap 6 Pack

Lucetta Magnetic Bike Lights
[$39.99] / [£21.99]
My bike is awesome, it has clicker clackers and flame stickers and a dolly in a basket and a sparkly seat and a flag on it that says #1 because I am the number one bike guy. Unfortunately when I go out cycling at night looking for friends to play with, I get hit by cars and low flying microlights quite a lot. That is where the Lucetta Magnetic Bike Lights come in handy. You get two magnetic lights, red for blood and white for tears, that switch on with one click and are guaranteed to stay on your bike even on bumpy streets or if you are hit by a digger. Well maybe not the last one. Just like my granddad they have slow and fast flashing modes, and can run up to 40 hours. My granddad cannot do that, he would die.

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Lucetta Magnetic Bike Lights
Lucetta Magnetic Bike Lights
Lucetta Magnetic Bike Lights



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