I don’t bother buying so-called “toys” for my children. I work on the motto that “whatever they’re playing with, it’s a toy”. Bleach, power drills and next door’s roadkill cat are all wonderful tools to open up a child’s imagination so they can create their own stories. But if you’re sick of wiping the blood off their stupid happy faces, and you hate all the modern plastic crap that your kids just can’t help choking to death on, then this range of Candylab Toys Wooden Cars might appeal. They’re hand-crafted from solid beech wood, and covered with water based paint and a clear urethane coat. They’re durable enough to last for generations as a hand me down, just like the serious genetic defects I’ve passed on to my own little sausages.
Multifunction items are great. My toaster is also a fleshlight. The hamster cage doubles up as a blender. And my son is a bespoke reactive punchbag. In this vein comes the Leatherman Tool Bracelet. Their slogan “You don’t have to be a tool to wear one, but you are and also an idiot” hasn’t gone live yet, but it will. This high strength corrosion resistant stainless steel bracelet contains 25 different tools, including hex wrenches, a can opener, screwdrivers and a pulsating Ion cannon. Oh wait, they took that off. There are plans to add a Swiss made timepiece in the coming year, which also makes it a watch. Isn’t that nice. Although a chainsaw would be better.
I have many enemies, mostly because I’m so handsome. It makes me happy when my nemesis feels pain, yet with so called “laws” and “prison terms” stabbing your arch-rivals has become a bureaucratic nightmare. Instead, why not Ship Your Enemies Glitter? For $9.99 you can send an envelope full of shiny shit to anywhere in the world. You can include a message if you want. Described by the site as “craft herpes”, the glitter will irritate your enemy for days by getting in their clothes, eyes and foreskins. I’ve thought of a sequel to this site. Ship Your Enemies Gary Glitter. If you don’t know who that is…google him.
[$70] / [£45+]
If you’ve had to clean up a dead dog’s corpse, you’ll know it’s quite a tiring experience. I’m a professional dog assassin so I have to, but for those of you who love these stupid little shit machines we have a product to help keep your dogs less dead. The Poochlight Pet Safety Products are a range of dog accessories that light up your stupid mutt, including collars, leads and butt plugs. The last one is a lie. They all come with a chargeable ion battery that provides 24 hours of flashing life, so if your dog goes missing for more than that time they’re probably gutter-mush.
[$99] / [£79]
We’ve all heard the stories of Rock and Roll Legend. ACDC once smashed a dog to bits. Paul McCartney turned himself inside out in front of a crowd of screaming children. Whitney Houston once fell naked down the plughole and had to be dragged out by her roadies. Roadies are always there to save the day, whether it be tuning your instruments, punching fans in the mouth or taking your sloppy seconds behind a trailer. The Roadie Tuner Automatic Guitar Tuner can help you with one of those, the tuning bit. Connecting via Bluetooth to your phone, you can simply whack this gadget onto your tuning pegs, strum a string and it will automatically tune it for you. This handy little device will even tell you when you need to change your strings. It will not change you out of soiled G-strings though, which is a shame.
Note, does not work on Tuna, or Maracas.
In Home Alone 2 the sassy little madam Kevin McAllister uses a voice recorder with hilarious results on at least zero occasions. He does annoy the shit out of everyone a lot though. You too can piss off everyone you know by buying one of these Talkboy Tape Recorders for yourself. They come with record, slow play and normal play functions, enabling you to recreate classic scenes and utter some of Kevin’s most famous lines, such as ”Congratulations, you’re an idiot”. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” “Merry Christmas you filthy bitch”, “I swear old woman, I will cut you”, and the timeless classic “Help me Officer, my dad makes me wear a bra”. Doesn’t that just bring back happy memories of a great family film? These Tape Recorders may or may not come with a luxury Macauley smell, depending on the source.
How much of your human currency would you pay for a bottle of your very own Big Mac sauce? 10. 20? 50? A thousand? Tens of thousands? If your answer was tens of thousands then you're in luck! And also an idiot. McDonalds are ebaying 200 500ml bottles for charity. Haven't charities had enough? I hate charity. The first bottle at the time of writing was up to $23,000 Australian dollars. Or a gazillion Zimbabwean pounds if you're not Australian. Postage is free though, so that's good. If you don't want to lay down ten grand on burger sauce, McDonalds in Australia are selling 600 small tubs for 50 cents each at secret locations. So it's either spend thousands of dollars on ebay, thousands on a plane ticket to Australia, or just buy a Big Mac and scrape it off into your pocket in the toilets, like I do.
[$65.57] / [£143]
Remember that bit in Home Alone Two that looked really fun and you wished you were in Kevin’s shoes? Not the bit where he was molested in an alleyway. The fun part, where he played on a keyboard on the ground in a shop with his feet and also he knew Michael Jackson but he didn’t touch him the end. What was I saying? Oh yeah, you too can recreate that delightful scene with this Giant Floor Keyboard. Look at how happy the kid is in this picture. He’s gone absolutely mental, why do you think we zoomed in on his stupid face? He will probably die cold and alone, but you don’t have to as everyone will come to your house to have a lovely big play on your floor keyboard. It has a built in amplifier, eight instruments, ten melodies and twenty four keys of hot Macauley Culkin action.
Some people are accused of acting as if their farts don’t stink, a pleasant response to someone who thinks they’re better than everyone else. Well now you can be, with these Rose Scented Farts Pills. Once you pop one of these in your gob your formerly wretched guffs will turn from acrid to aromatic. People will invite you to house parties just to fart in their faces. You may even get a new job from it. Brazilian fart porn doesn’t make itself you know! All we need now is for someone to make a pill that transforms your shit into chocolate pudding and we’re set! Someone tried to convince me we already had such a pill. I won’t make that mistake again.
If you have a fat ass or massive elbows like a berk, then you’ll probably experience the daily indignity of having to shower in a cubicle built for normal sized people. The shower curtain sticks to your flabby untoned body, you constantly whack the walls when you’re trying to sponge under your folds, and eventually you just give up and hose yourself off in the yard. The Curvit offers a solution to your shower-space woes by modifying your existing shower curtain to give you a wealth of newfound space in your cleaning cubicle. The pack of 12 pre-assembled arches just snap on to your existing rod and that’s it, you have 50% more space in which to dance, sing or make love to a lonely neighbour.
One day a snowboard and a motorbike loved each other very much. The snowboard asked the motorbike to do all sorts of weird stuff it wasn’t comfortable with, but they nevertheless eventually produced a child. That child is the Onewheel, a motor-powered 2 horsepower beast board with a wheel in it that allows you to carve your way through fields, footpaths and families. Since we’re not getting proper hoverboards anytime soon, this thing that looks like a disabled skateboard is the best we’ve got. The charger ships with it and can juice you up in twenty minutes. It comes with regenerative braking, intelligent LED lighting and self balancing technology. Basically all this means is if you deck it it’s your own stupid fault for trying to ride up a wall or something.