Would you spend $20,000 to swim inside a shipping container? Me neither. But apparently some idiots would, otherwise this mental Australian company wouldn't be selling these Shipping Container Swimming Pools. There are two versions available of these glorified trash cans, with their only difference being an extra 6 metres in length and a further ten grand on the price. If you're tempted to buy one of these monstrosities I suggest you do what I do whenever I'm feeling frisky. Go sort yourself out by having a bath or jumping in a garbage bin full of rainwater, and then ask yourself if it's still a good idea.
Contrary to what its name suggests, the Freud Stovetop Espresso Maker doesn't produce coffee which makes you want to bang your mother. To be honest that's for the best, as I don't need any more help in that department. Wait, what? Nevermind. This Espresso maker sits comfortably on your hob and allows you to brew freshly ground coffee with ease, or store bought…if you're a pleb. It's also made from sustainable oak and hand-crafted steel, so if you're wondering why it's £114 instead of a fiver like those ones on Ebay, now you know.
The Hornet claims to be the world's smallest stun gun, and with 6,000,000 volts packed into this baby who are you to argue? Nobody, that's who, because I'll shock your nuts right off if you even look at me wrong. It also comes with a flashlight, you know, so you can see who's trying to molest you before you zap them in the throat. Weighing less than 2 ounces and measuring just half an inch thick, the Hornet is discrete enough to carry with you at all times. So the next time the dog's barking too loudly, the kids are playing up or your bound and gagged partner needs a little love shock, the Hornet will be on hand to fulfil all of your brutal, tasing requirements.
This Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill can cook up to six strips of regular or thick-cut bacon in mere minutes. How many minutes? I don't know, a bunch I guess. But it has an illuminated cooking timer so that'll probably tell you. The grill's design enables grease to funnel away neatly into the tray below, leaving you two wonderful things as a result - crispy bacon, and a fuckload of grease to drink at your leisure.
[$699.95] / [£461.65]
If I could live in a cave I would, because with a single entrance and exit point it means I've only got to look in one direction to check my house for monsters. But a neat second-best is the Heimplanet Inflatable Cave Tent, whose revolutionary design allows you to pump up a temporary abode in less than a minute. It's also made from high-quality durable materials, which is good, as getting a puncture in your tent at Glastonbury would be a right pain in the arse. The Heimplanet Cave Tent seats five people in the main chamber and sleeps…well…as many as you're comfortable with. Depends how chummy you wanna get.
[$799.99] / [£549]
The ROLI Seaboard RISE 25 MIDI Keyboard is a piece of equipment which baffles me, but whose purpose I shall nevertheless attempt to figure out in exchange for money. Apparently it has seamless hardware-software integration, wireless Bluetooth MIDI capabilities, comes bundled with Equator and exudes a sleek, intuitive design suitable for newcomers and professionals. I guess it makes some kind of sweet music, maybe it's the kind of thing Kraftwerk would use? Ah apparently I'm right, as it's the world's first purpose built, multidimensional software synthesiser. Well strike me down with a frozen stool, aren't I clever? Fucking expensive though.
Fancy wallets are for show offs. And you're not a show off…are you? No, thought not. So why not prove this to friends, strangers and enemies with this Sutton Minimalist Wallet. I mean, if you were a true minimalist you'd store your cash in your mouth or butt-crack, but I guess this is a decent back up. Handmade from repurposed leather and coming with a lifetime repair guarantee, the Sutton is as simple as it is brown. It's also cheap. Less than 50 bucks actually. And with all the money you'll save not buying a fancier wallet, you can buy…nothing…because you're a minimalist. Remember?
Try to fold up a regular skateboard and it'll probably just crack and you'll look like a dummy. But if you were to try folding up the Boardup Fold-up Skateboard it wouldn't, which is good, as I believe that is the point of it. Locking sturdily in place when you're skating and easily folded away when you're not, the Boardup is also the world's first self-folding longboard. You don't even have to do the folding yourself! Saving you literally tens of seconds, which you can now use to scrape your knees outside a bus station and remember Smashmouth lyrics. Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years…
[$180.95] / [£145.94]
This SKID Wooden Chef Knife is a lie. A lie wrapped in an untruth, carved from deception and polished using nothing but the purest make-belief man has to offer. The handle and body of the SKID is indeed constructed from fine Mahogany, but the blade is made of Damascus steel. Actually, that does sound pretty cool when you think of it. This knife is also environmentally friendly since it takes much more CO2 to create a steel one than this baby. And if you spend a bit more you get a free chopping board, you know, for chopping up Mother Nature's finest creations. Nice!
[$12.32] / [£9.99]
What would you do if your organs suddenly fell out of your body? How would you react if Jesus came back to life and called you a prick? I don't know, and neither do the authors of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. But what they will tell you is how to survive an alligator attack, what to do if you're trapped in quicksand, and the easiest method of removing a tongue that is stuck to a frozen pole. There are also a few wackier ones too, such as how to escape from a giant octopus, and what you should do if a man in a costume is being over-affectionate. And if you're too lazy to read books like a great big nark then just look up the answers on the searchable CD provided with it.
If you've ever seen a large concrete structure and thought "christ that is one ugly bastard building", then chances are you've encountered the movement known as Brutalism. Brutalist architecture flourished between the 1950's and 1970's, and some of London's most god-awful examples have been lovingly documented in this, the Blue Crow Map of Brutalist London. So for the worst day out you've ever had in your life, why not pick up a copy and depress yourself beyond tablets with some of the most intimidating architecture England's capital city has to offer.
The Bike Multi Tool by Present in the Laine makes a great gift for cyclists, especially if you don't really love them enough to purchase something more interesting. This handy gadget contains 14 different tools including allen keys, ring spanners, screwdrivers, a socket wrench and a handy carrying pouch. So if your cyclist friend ever has an accident out on the road, this Bike Multi Tool will have them up and running in no time. Unless they've been hit by an articulated lorry. Then they're probably dead.