I like to pretend I'm really super serious by practicing my super serious face in the mirror every morning. I do this by thinking about all my childhood pets that are now dead, and if you're also a super serious jerk like me then these Minimalist Playing Cards will really get your gizzards in a twist. Produced by Minim, these fellas are merely simplified versions of a normal 52-card deck, but without all those flashy features like colours, drawings and fun. They're also made out of PVC, just like my dad's favourite outfit.
[$13.59] / [£13.49]
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k is intended as an antidote to those corny self-help books that tell you how to find your inner goddess by shoving plums up your arse. Written by a blogger so you know it's dead good, this book claims to help you cut through the crap and stop being so damn positive all the time. I mean, being positive can be hard work I guess. Just ask Charlie Sheen.
[$15.59] / [£11.99]
Pornogami Pornographic Origami is a great gift for someone you haven't slept with yet, but whose genitals you'd really love to get a look at...albeit in paper form. It comes with 128 pages of erotic instructions for making paper penises, tracing paper tits and foaming great cardboardfannies, and makes a great gift for both adults and children alike. Except children.
[$6.49] / [£4.99]
Fans of CoolShitYouCanBuy may remember the time we suggested Abashiri Blue Beer was made from crushed up Smurfs. We are now legally required to retract this statement, and the Abashiri Beer company would like us to make it clear that their Smurfs are only gently pulped, and not "mashed up like poor f**kers" as we suggested. We certainly won't make the same mistake when describing their new Abashiri Pink Beer though, because this subtle, cherry infused brew is so crisp, so refreshing and so light, it could only have been made by brutally mincing the Powerpuff Girls into a fine, bloody custard.
[$6.59] / [£15.99]
Would you like to be the talk of the office for reasons other than your pungent odour and longing glances towards Carol in accounts? Then purchase this "hilarious" Humping USB Dog Toy. All you do is plug it in, and the dog just keeps on banging until you "pull it off". Ha, get it. Do you? Do you get it? Have you just thought about sexually pleasuring a dog because it won't stop f**king your USB port? Is this how you envisaged your life? Did you really want to contemplate this today? You could be sharing art, ideas or philosophies. But no, you're thinking about giving a dachshund the five knuckle shuffle. You sicken me, you really do. Oh, and it's compatible with both Macs and PC's.
[$16.89] / [£12.99]
Some people like to throw their coats on the floor when they get home, but if you're not a fucking savage then buy one of these Kitt-A-Boo Wall Hooks and hang it up properly. These wood and rubber thingamajigs make a cat pop out of the top when you hang a coat on them, which is a nifty little feature if you've got little kids, but dangerously provocative if the person hanging their coat up has recently taken a bathtub full of drugs.
Guns are cool, everyone knows that. You can and must shoot anyone and everyone if you own a gun, because otherwise they might take it off you. But sometimes when you and your gun are chillaxing at the gentleman's spa, you don't want to go murdering anyone, you merely want to give them a warning with a large metal cylinder fired gently at their face. So let's introduce the Can Cannon Soda Can Launcher, which is a gas-ported barrel that allows you to adapt your AR-15 or M16 rifle into something slightly less lethal. Capable of spaffing off 12oz and 16oz cans an average of 105 yards; you can also shoot tennis balls, nets, small rodents and a harpoon if you're proper mental.
[$394.82] / [£279.99]
The Nintendo Switch is what you get when the Wii gets knocked up by a Gamecube and out spurts some half-breed nonsense. With its dock, Joy Con and Joy Con Grip able to be used for personal, tabletop and four-way play, the Switch's major selling point is that it allows you to enjoy the home console experience on the go; a feature nobody asked for but everyone's gonna get. I like to sit nude and alone in the dark when I'm playing games, so now I guess I'll have to do the same thing on the bus instead.
[$707.34] / [£669]
You know the Black Label 6061 Bike is a fancy bit of kit because they use clever words in the description to say so. Its frame is made from "high-end" aluminium. The forks are made from "carbon fiber steer tubes". And it has something called a "Flip flop hub". I don't know what that is, but I like the sound of it. The Black Label is also fully customisable, so whether you're a fat bloke riding to work or a slender lass who bikes up mountains, the 6061 can be faffed with to suit your needs. Just make sure you remember to put the brakes on properly. I forgot when I was assembling my son's bike, and now he thinks his fingers are spaghetti.
[$13.50] / [£14.01]
On the list of tasks which make your hands stink, crushing garlic has to be up there with changing nappies, stroking sick dogs and getting to second base with a hobo. But with the Joseph Joseph Garlic Crusher's innovative design your mitts are guaranteed to remain vampire friendly and distinctly unattractive to Frenchmen. The stainless steel used to make this mincer and crusher already helps to remove garlic smells from your fingers, but the fact is you probably won't even need to touch that pungent stuff if you use it in the right way. All you need do is press the crusher down on a single clove, lift it up, and scrape off the pulp using a spoon. Easy pinky no more stinky.