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Vintage Chuck Taylors
[$80]
Everyone likes a nice pair of converse. They're the shoes that scream "I'm a 35 year old man who rarely dresses age appropriate", especially if teamed with a suit blazer, jeans and a receding hairline. These Vintage Chuck Taylors are designed to look like they were actually made in the 70's, with the blue / red piping and a yellowed midsole helping to complete the aesthetic. Available in hi-tops and low-tops, wearing these will make you seem like the coolest dad in the world. Pinky swears.

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Vintage Chuck Taylors
Vintage Chuck Taylors
Vintage Chuck Taylors

Vintage Chuck Taylors →

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Hive Home Security Camera
[$199]
If you're about to buy a security camera for your home what's the first thing you look out for? Is it one that does the job and catches criminals in the act of taking a dump on your sofa? Or would you rather prioritise a camera that looks fancy? If you're part of the latter camp then you're a moron, but its fine, because the Hive Home Security Camera ticks both of your boxes. Boasting a 130 degree field of view, 1080p HD recording quality and a smartphone alert system, this security camera is one of the least crappy looking devices out there on the market. It was designed by the man who made Sodastream Source, so you know it's badass.

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Hive Home Security Camera
Hive Home Security Camera

Hive Home Security Camera →

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Octopus Sucker Massager
[$20]
Oh hey look, another piece of crazy weird sh*t from Japan. What a surprise. This Iyashi Octopus Sucker Massager is a bizarre item which you're apparently supposed to use to gently massage your feet, hands, back or neck. Using skin suction treatment, the silicone mit apparently helps blood circulation by sucking up your skin like a shiatsu massage. Seems a bit freaky to me. I'd rather stick with my trusty old vacuum cleaner smeared with fish for an identical but cheaper experience.

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Octopus Sucker Massager
Octopus Sucker Massager

Octopus Sucker Massager →

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Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker
[$22]
This Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker can be used to create Taiyaki, which are fish-shaped waffles that you can fill with anything from red bean paste, custard, chocolate and cheese through to broken glass, nails, excrement and bleach, depending on who you're serving and how much you hate them. Made from non-stuck aluminium, there are two molds inside this pan, allowing you to make one serving for a normal person, six for someone on a diet, and 0.004 servings for a greedy fat bastard.

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Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker
Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker

Japanese Fish-shaped Hot Cake Maker →

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Asobu Beer Chiller
[$29.99]
Beer coolers are quite hefty, and hauling one to the beach is a real pain in the ass. But you know what's more annoying? Taking sixteen individual Asobu Beer Chillers to the beach instead, because apparently, the ability to cool one beer is a useful thing. Asobu's Frosty Beer 2 Go product is a vacuum insulated double walled stainless steel beer bottle and can cooler, which also comes with a bottle opener so you can attach the one solitary beer you're able to store inside. Admittedly, this gadget does keep your booze cold for several hours at a time, but if I'm honest, I'd rather haul a solar powered fridge to the beach than a bunch of these daft things.

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Asobu Beer Chiller
Asobu Beer Chiller

Asobu Beer Chiller →

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NYC Taxi Drivers Calendar
[$11.99]
The worst part about a taxi ride is the driver being clothed - said no-one ever. Still, if for some reason you've always wanted to see your cab-driver half-naked, this 2018 NYC Taxi Drivers Calendar is your ticket to nightmare town. The calendar contains twelve candid shots of genuine New York taxi drivers - one for each month of the year, obviously - and a portion of the profits from its sale will go towards some kind of horse charity. Wait, no, it's actually a housing thing for migrants. Yes, that makes more sense.

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NYC Taxi Drivers Calendar
NYC Taxi Drivers Calendar

NYC Taxi Drivers Calendar →

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Beer Saver Rubber Cap
[$12.99] / [£2.99]
Frugal alcoholics rejoice! The Beer Saver Rubber Cap is here to save you money, if not your liver or dignity, as this clever little invention fits neatly onto most standard beer bottles allowing you to return to a half-drunk bottle at a time of your choosing. Made from food-safe silicone, these Beer Savers come in multicolored packs of six, meaning you could colour coordinate your shameful leftovers should you so desire.

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£ Check it out

Beer Saver Rubber Cap

Beer Saver Rubber Cap →

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25 Inch Inflatable You
[€25]
What would you do with an inflatable, 25 inch version of yourself? Would you touch its special area? Send it to an ex lover? Or would you use it as a stand in for social occasions you can't be arsed to attend? The 25inchme company doesn't care how grotesque your reasons are for wanting one, as they'll ship you a 25 inch inflatable version of you, Hitler or your neighbour's son wherever you like in as little as ten days. No questions asked. Probably. Don't test them on that.

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25 Inch Inflatable You
25 Inch Inflatable You
25 Inch Inflatable You

25 Inch Inflatable You →

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Honest Amish Beard Balm
[$12]
Nobody likes a rough, scratchy beard. But if your face-mane is all wiry, what else can you do aside from smear it with margarine and hope for the best? I'll tell you what, you can buy this Honest Amish Beard Balm and soothe away your straggling strands. The recipe comprises of entirely vegan ingredients, including avocado, pumpkin seed, apricol kernal oils and a load of other shite that sounds like it belongs in your belly. So go on then, smear it on your face and see what happens. Nobody will love you any more for doing it, but at least you won't look like a meth addict anymore.

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Honest Amish Beard Balm
Honest Amish Beard Balm

Honest Amish Beard Balm →

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Dumpsty the Desktop Dumpster
[$195]
My desk looks like a garbage pile. There's old food, the occasional rat corpse, and some miscellaneous ooze whose origin shall remain unknown. That's just the way I like it. However, if your boss is getting tetchy and you need to clean up your act while retaining the trash aesthetic, why not invest in one of these Dumpsty Desktop Dumpsters to store all your office crap. Measuring 11 by 10 by 8 inches, these steel containers look so much like dumpsters that when you're drunk you'll wonder if shrink rays are a thing. They're also customisable, with all manner of magnets, colours and lids available for the discerning dumpster dependant.

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Dumpsty the Desktop Dumpster
Dumpsty the Desktop Dumpster
Dumpsty the Desktop Dumpster

Dumpsty the Desktop Dumpster →

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Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle
[$799]
I like things which appear aged but aren't actually that old. Like Lindsay Lohan, who despite looking fifty is actually only twelve. This Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle similarly looks like something you'd find stuck to the wall of a hipster dive bar, but don't let its classic appearance fool you, for this exercise bike comes with many modern features including bluetooth smart connectivity, app compatibility and a swarm of nanobots that will consume your mortal enemies.

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Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle
Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle
Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle

Schwinn Retro Indoor Bicycle →

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Hand Carved Drinking Horns
[$78] / [£52]
Do you know why the Vikings were so badass and cruel? Easy. They were perpetually drunk. When you can't put down your beer because it's stored inside a giant horn, you have no choice but to sink those suds and fill her up again. And now you can relive the Viking life for yourself with one of these Hand Carved Drinking Horns available on Etsy. Prices vary from $70 to $3,000 depending on how shit / good you want your horn to be. But really, you can't put a price on something this fancy. As soon as you start drinking from one of these horns you'll feel a sudden urge to commit unspeakable atrocities upon coastal towns and villages. How can you resist?

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£ Check it out

Hand Carved Drinking Horns
Hand Carved Drinking Horns

Hand Carved Drinking Horns →

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