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Mildly Evil Prank Service
[$9.99]
The Mildly Evil Prank Service will ship a box of mean fortune cookies to the person of your choice. The box is disguised as a regular delivery of Chinese food, but inside the recipient will find a slew of messages designed to shake their confident and undermine their self worth through a series of grotesque curses. Messages include: “may both sides of your pillow be warm”, “may your asshole grow tastebuds” and “may your children be born with a disease so debilitating they require round the clock intimate care until their death aged 45 from night-terrors”.

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Mildly Evil Prank Service
Mildly Evil Prank Service

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Conor McGregor's F**k You Suit
[$PRICE]
There can be no doubt that Conor McGregor is a monumental bell-piece. However, that F**k You Suit The Notorious wore during the Mayweather conference was absolutely glorious. And now you can own one too, with the suit's designer offering custom recreations for the low low price of $6,500. This suit would make a great outfit for attending a job interview when you'd rather stay on benefits, or the funeral of someone you've come to loathe and despise.

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Conor McGregor's F**k You Suit
Conor McGregor's F**k You Suit

Conor McGregor's F**k You Suit →

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Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar
[$39]
The Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar is the only accessory you need to get off your face on the open water...aside from booze, obviously. With room for several wine bottles, four cup holders and a little space for ice slash meth, there is literally no reason to get out of the pool ever again. You may as well take a dump in there too while you're at it. But, is there a chance this device could lead to an increase in alcohol-fuelled drowning incidents? I truly hope so. Otherwise, what's the point?

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Rainbow Cloud Floating Bar

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Beloved Hairy Clothing
[$39.95]
My body is entirely hairless. I don't shave, I don't wax, I don't chew my hairs off with my mouth. I have been blessed by the Lord with a non-hirsute sack of skin. However, every now and then being a hairy bastard comes back in fashion. And when it does, I feel self-conscious about the fact that when I'm naked I look like a twelve-year-old boy with an old man's face. To counter this, I've been wearing this range of Beloved Hairy Clothing, which includes sports bras, yoga shorts, t-shirts and some other fancy garments which all make you look like you've got a set of proper stragglers all over your guts.

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Beloved Hairy Clothing
Beloved Hairy Clothing

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Honomobo Shipping Container Homes
[$19,176]
These Honomobo Shipping Container Homes are ideal for people who love being forced into confined spaces alongside their loved ones. Kidnap victims, perhaps. Or mole people. Anyway, if you've always wanted to live in a giant metal box then fine, buy one. But I'm not coming to visit. Honomobo will make it in any design you like, any colour and any smell. But as I said, I won't ever come round. Ever. Oh okay, maybe once. But I won't enjoy it.

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Honomobo Shipping Container Homes
Honomobo Shipping Container Homes

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Kiwano Electric Scooter
[$999.99]
If a Segway banged a scooter that was actually a transformer in disguise, would that constitute assault by deception? I don't know, but the result would be the Kiwano Electric Scooter. Driven by a 1000W hub motor capable of 20 miles an hour speeds, this scooter is capable of hauling even the fattests bastards over a 20 mile range, with a maximum carry weight of 550lbs. That's roughly the weight of Andre the Giant...when he wasn't dead.

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Kiwano Electric Scooter
Kiwano Electric Scooter

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Sumo & Splash Guard Combo
[$169.99]
Have you ever found yourself being dragged behind a boat only to wish you were sumo wrestling instead? The Sumo and Splash Guard Combo is just the product for you, as this inflatable cape and armrest allows you to do both! Just like Katie Price's tits, the Sumo & Splash is made from 100% PVC. Its sleek design enables water to spray away from your face when you're being tugged off by a boat. And, when it's time to wrestle away your woes on shore, the SUMO cape will stop you snapping your spine like a twig. Isn't that nice?

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Sumo & Splash Guard Combo
Sumo & Splash Guard Combo

Sumo & Splash Guard Combo →

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Barebones Cast Iron Kit
[$119.99]
The apocalypse is almost upon us, and when it is, those with durable iron cookwear will truly become kings amongst men. Therefore, unless you'd like to sell your body in exchange for food come the forthcoming end of days, you'd be well advised to purchase this Barebones Cast Iron Kit. There's no f**king about with this lot, it's just a simple set of sturdy, reliable cast iron pans alongside some fancy oil, s**t to serve your grub on and a recipe book on how to gut and fillet a hedgehog. The last part is a lie, but it wouldn't half be useful.

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Barebones Cast Iron Kit
Barebones Cast Iron Kit

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Luminescent Driveway Pebbles
[$390]
When choosing a driveway material it is important to consider what kind of aesthetic you want to achieve. If it's understated you're after, then you'll want neutral colours such as grey, beige or slate, since these tones do not draw the eye. If, on the other hand, you want a surface that looks like E.T.'s just spunked his load all over your front garden, then try these Luminescent Driveway Pebbles. Apparently they're eco friendly, but they said that about Lynx Africa and now all the world's dogs are turning inside out, so I don't believe them. They are glow in the dark though, which saves you having to set a big bonfire on your lawn for a bit of mood lighting.

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Luminescent Driveway Pebbles
Luminescent Driveway Pebbles

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Glow in the Dark Tape
[$10.29] / [£7.99]
The worst thing that can happen to you at a music festival is coming back to your tent to find someone has cut a hole in the side and shat in your sleeping bag. It is an undeniably awful experience, but it is also incredibly good for character building. If you'd like to guarantee that this heinous anus act occurs, why not cover your tent in this obnoxious Glow in the Dark Tape? Made from waterproof vinyl, your temporary abode is sure to be noticed from miles away by friends and thieves alike. If you wanted, you could even make a massive day-glo swastika with it...if it's that sort of festival.

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Glow in the Dark Tape
Glow in the Dark Tape

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Power Energy Toothpaste
[$19.19] / [£14.99]
Brushing your teeth with crack cocaine is so 1980s. All the cool slags are using this Power Energy Toothpaste instead. Containing approximately “shitloads” of caffeine, this tube of mouth gloop will give you a minty mouth, cavity protection and a wake up call all in one. And for extra alertness, why not swallow the entire tube in one big gulp?

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Power Energy Toothpaste

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BBQ Branding Iron
[$19.19] / [£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

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BBQ Branding Iron
BBQ Branding Iron
BBQ Branding Iron

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