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Wonderboom Wireless Speaker
[$99.99] / [£89.99]
The Wonderboom Wireless Speaker by Ultimate Ears is small, loud and waterproof. It's like Danny DeVito, except you'll never see it burst out naked from inside a leather couch. Because it uses Bluetooth it's compatible with pretty much any music jiggy on the market, and if you have two of these things you can even pair them up for DOUBLE SOUND. Or you can drive everyone mental by playing Rammstein from one and Justin Bieber from the other. Yes, do that.

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Wonderboom Wireless Speaker
Wonderboom Wireless Speaker

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Astrophysics in a Hurry
[$11.35] / [£12.99]
Do you need to learn Astrophysics in a Hurry? Why? Seriously, why would you need to do that? I dunno, to look smart at parties and get laid? Oh, good answer. I guess you'll need this book by Neil DeGrasse Tyson then, as it helps you to understand the nature of time, space and the universe even if you're proper thick like my cousin Philip. Related to neither Mike Tyson or Neil Buchanan, the author of this easy astrophysics guide is "a well smart bloke" according to Stephen Hawking, who I just asked right now because he's my mate. And everyone knows wheelchair guys don't lie, so I suppose you have to buy it now.

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Astrophysics in a Hurry

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Motorised Monocycle
[$3,900]
Remember that episode of South Park where Mr Garrison designed a gyroscope powered monowheel called the IT that you had to steer by sucking and jerking penis-shaped levers? Well imagine that, but minus all the dicks. This Motorised Monocycle will cost you a million pretty pennies, but it's worth it for the chance to look like a not-at-all weird futuristic space guy. Capable of travelling at 25 mph thanks to its 31cc four-stroke 1 and a half horsepower engine, you could definitely add dildos to this if you wanted.

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Motorised Monocycle
Motorised Monocycle

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Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub
[$4,295]
If a Dutch Hot Tub is anything like a Dutch Oven then count me in. What, it's not? Oh well, I'll take one anyway. This Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub uses a wood-burning heating coil to heat up a two-person tub to a toast 104 degrees. It comes in three colours and it costs several thousand of any currency you care to mention. For that price you'd at least expect it to vibrate. But no, it doesn't. You'll have to take care of that side of things yourself.

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Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub
Dutch Loveseat Hot Tub

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Minimalist Light Phone
[$150]
In the year 2016 over 468,300 teenagers around the world were diagnosed with Bent Neck Syndrome, which is a real condition I've just made up but that might exist one day if we keep fannying about with our smartphones all day. To avoid such a scenario, some clever berks have made this Minimalist Light Phone to stop you obsessing over dead celebrities and terror atrocities for five minutes, because apparently you all lack any sense of self control. All this phone does is make and receive calls, store 10 numbers and tell the time - that's the lot. Oh, and I suppose you can use it to bash things too, if you want.

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Minimalist Light Phone
Minimalist Light Phone

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Wake The F*ck Up Tea
[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Too much of a pussy to drink coffee? Try this Wake The F*ck Up Tea then, you absolute nancy. Containing enough leaves for 50 cups (100 if you're a trog), this delightful blend of black tea comes infused with ginger and other natural flavours. Unlike coffee it won't make you shit yourself five minutes after drinking, but just like coffee it will wake you the f*ck up.

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Wake The F*ck Up Tea
Wake The F*ck Up Tea

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LOMO Instax Murano Camera
[$153.59] / [£119.99]
You are ugly. Your friends are ugly. Even your vague associates are absolutely f*cking hideous. But you'll take pictures of them anyway won't you, because you're a vain, narcissistic cesspool of a human who genuinely believes anyone gives a damn about what you look like and what you're doing. And boy do we have the perfect product for you, with this Lomo Instax Murano Camera! It's an instax film camera, and it looks retro. There, satisfied? Of course you are you shallow minded oaf. Now sod off, I'm busy photographing my junk and my dinner in one go to save time.

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LOMO Instax Murano Camera
LOMO Instax Murano Camera

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Which Cult Should I Join Book
[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books we had as kids? They always ended up taking you on a magical journey through enchanted kingdoms, haunted houses and futuristic spaceships. Man they were good. But has anyone ever made one where instead of all that, you got taken in by a brutal cult and molested with a cucumber? They have now, with this book that answers the question "Which Cult Shall I Join?" Scientologist? Mormon? Worshipper of the Devil's Colon? Find out which cult you should join today.

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Which Cult Should I Join Book
Which Cult Should I Join Book

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F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge
[$12.79] / [£9.99]
Nobody really likes fudge; it's just the easiest thing to buy when you've forgotten to get your mum a present on holiday. But this F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge is something else. Containing a blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica beans, one bite of this coffee flavoured sugary milk-blob will perk you right up. And if it doesn't, there's always bath salts.

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F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge
F*cking Strong Coffee Fudge

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Make Your Own Beef Jerky Kit
[$21.79] / [£16.99]
The creation of beef jerky can be achieved in two ways; make yourself so physically arousing to a cow that it just can't help itself, or buy this Make Your Own Beef Jerky Kit. If you're a fan of dried out old meat and you're sick of chewing on Donatella Versace's neck, then this handy box of spices and plastic bags are all you need. Oh, and some beef of course. Because why would they supply the ONE THING YOU NEED THE MOST. I despair sometimes, I really do.

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Make Your Own Beef Jerky Kit
Make Your Own Beef Jerky Kit

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Boosted Board 2 Electric Skateboard
[$1299]
Are you a lazy piece of shit who wishes skateboarding involved 100% less effort? Great, then buy the Boosted Board 2 Electric Skateboard. The Boosted 2 is an upgrade on the original Boosted Board, because the last one kept catching on fire and burning kids to death. I made that up, but it sounds true doesn't it? New features on the Boosted Board 2 include a swappable battery, extended range, water resistance, 80mm wheels and improved power and handling. Electric skateboards, pah, what next, an electric bike?

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Boosted Board 2 Electric Skateboard
Boosted Board 2 Electric Skateboard
Boosted Board 2 Electric Skateboard

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