The Onewheel
[$1,499]
One day a snowboard and a motorbike loved each other very much. The snowboard asked the motorbike to do all sorts of weird stuff it wasn’t comfortable with, but they nevertheless eventually produced a child. That child is the Onewheel, a motor-powered 2 horsepower beast board with a wheel in it that allows you to carve your way through fields, footpaths and families. Since we’re not getting proper hoverboards anytime soon, this thing that looks like a disabled skateboard is the best we’ve got. The charger ships with it and can juice you up in twenty minutes. It comes with regenerative braking, intelligent LED lighting and self balancing technology. Basically all this means is if you deck it it’s your own stupid fault for trying to ride up a wall or something.

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The Onewheel
The Onewheel
The Onewheel

The Tabletop Fireplace
[$99] / [£33.77]
I set fires in strange places. Hospitals, schools, my Uncle Ken’s hair. But sometimes I’m too lazy to go to the trouble of burning actual things. When I need a quick firey fix, or if I simply want a little desktop ambience while I browse the internet and touch myself, I use the Tabletop Fireplace. This Fireplace gives off nothing but water vapour and carbon dioxide, and in return bathes you and your naked body in the light of yellow, orange and red flickering flames. It can heat up an area up to 325 square inches, and one quart of liquid will produce five hours of heat. Keep your games nights, cheese competitions and drug orgies piping hot as they should be. Or dinner parties, I don’t know what filth you’re into.

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The Tabletop Fireplace
The Tabletop Fireplace

Abashiri Blue Beer
[$7.59] / [£4.99]
If you want to look like you’re drinking a flouncy blue cocktail but without the sugary taste of pure diabetes, then Abashiri Blue Beer should be your drink of choice. This beer is created by mashing smurfs into a fine paste and smearing it on the inside of beer casks. Oh wait no, that’s how they used to make it. Now it’s just some Chinese Yam, exotic flowers, seaweed and the pure water of melted icebergs…no big deal really. It tastes like regular beer though, so you can trick people into thinking you’re a great big idiot drinking alcoholic powerade, when really you’re a secret manly man.

N.B. May turn your genitals blue.
N.B. Not really.

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Abashiri Blue Beer
Abashiri Blue Beer
Abashiri Blue Beer

The Charlie from Rubber Killer
[$53] / [£30]
These days with everyone bleating on about fair trade this and ethical that, I like to keep vicious Chinese gangmasters in a job by only buying products made in sweatshops. Five year old kids need work too you know! But if you’re a soft sod and you like ethically produced and recycled products that make you feel all warm in your inside guts, then The Charlie Rubber Pouch is perfect for you. This versatile and unisex zipable pouch is made from durable reclaimed rubber, including inner tubes, soiled condoms and Katie Price’s old tits. Or maybe just inner tubes. Just like tramps, this bag is completely water resistant. Use it as a wash bag, a pencil case, or a stylish clutch bag in which to store rat foetuses, you name it. Wait, you can’t name it, it’s already called The Charlie.

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The Charlie from Rubber Killer
The Charlie from Rubber Killer
The Charlie from Rubber Killer
The Charlie from Rubber Killer

Screwpop Giveaway!
Enter below for a chance to get your hands on everything in the pic above. Which is... a Screwpop screwdriver, cigar punch, cigar cutter, lighter holder, torch, travel stash, and wrench courtesy of the awesome dudes at Screwpop!

Screwpop Giveaway
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Screwpop Giveaway

Ecosphere Closed Aquatic Ecosystem
[$50] / [£89]
If you ever wanted to build your own fishy version of North Korea, then the Ecosphere Enclosed Aquatic Ecosystem is the answer. This sphere contains a self-sustaining ecosystem of small shrimp, algae and bacteria who all eat each other’s cack until they die in about two or three years. That’s actually more like the Human Centipede, but anyway. All these creatures need are reasonable temperatures and light, job done. Just make sure you don’t come home drunk one day and down an entire ecosystem when you’re thirsty. This orb of marine-life wouldn’t work nearly as well if there was like a cat inside, or a bit of a shark. But no, with these tiny creatures you can pretend you’re whichever God you believe in. I named the leader of my shrimp colony Pilchard E Grant, with his sworn enemy the fearless Salmon Rushdie.

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Ecosphere Closed Aquatic Ecosystem
Ecosphere Closed Aquatic Ecosystem
Ecosphere Closed Aquatic Ecosystem

Wearable Marvel Sleeping Bags
[$134]
Is there no end to the laziness of man? Slankets, helmet pillows, erm, arse mattresses are probably a thing too…and now wearable sleeping bags. These Selk’bag wearable sleeping bags are now available in four Marvel-themed versions, so you can pretend you’re saving the day when really you’re watching re-runs of Diagnosis Murder whilst wearing a sweaty bag that traps your farts. Coming in Spiderman, Hulk, Iron Man and Captain America versions, these fit one regular human, two midgets or a whole bunch of maggots if you were so inclined. I give it a week before I see some dick in the beer aisle of a supermarket wearing one of these things at 2am in the morning on a booze run. Does it count as being naked if you’re only wearing this? I’m not sure officer, let me find out.

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Wearable Marvel Sleeping Bags
Wearable Marvel Sleeping Bags
Wearable Marvel Sleeping Bags

The Coolest – Bluetooth Party Speaker and Cooler
[$165]
In the original Transformers there was an Autobot called Blaster. He was an AM/FM Radio and Cassette player, and the single worst Transformer ever since BrevilleToastieTron. But imagine if that transformer actually turned into The Coolest, which is a combination cooler, speaker and blender? The Autobots and the Decepticons could have just put aside their differences and got wasted together. Megatron wakes up spooning Starscream, Optimus Prime has his tongue in Ramjet’s ear, and everyone’s happy. The Coolest combines a 60 quart cooler with a Bluetooth speaker, a rechargeable drinks blender, a USB charger and all sorts of party essentials like plates, bottle openers and condom vending slots. The last one is a lie, but if The Coolest are listening… it’s a feature you need on this already awesome complete party package.

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The Coolest – Bluetooth Party Speaker and Cooler The Coolest – Bluetooth Party Speaker and Cooler
The Coolest – Bluetooth Party Speaker and Cooler

Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Enter below for a chance to get your hands on a "Microbrewer" one gallon home-brewing kit courtesy of brew box kits! These kits not only look the business they produce the business, taking as little as two weeks to create 8-10 tasty tasty beers. Look at it, it's beautiful!

brew box giveaway
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!

Giant Cola Bottle
[$20.29] / [£12.99]
Whether it’s Christmas, a birthday or just a special occasion, give someone the gift of Type 2 Diabetes with this massive fuck-off Cola Bottle. Remember those jelly sweets you used to get as a kid? Everyone knows the cola bottles were the best. Why buy a pack of fifty and eat them individually like some sort of brain-dead moron when you could chew on this huge sugary blob which is 120 times the size of a regular gummi bottle. There is a diet version coming out soon, but seriously, what is the point? We’re all going to die one day, do you want to go whilst lovingly sleeping next to your partner in bed like a little bitch? If the end is nigh, go out whilst chewing on an oversized gummi coke bottle.

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Also, were you kinda weird and enjoyed chewing the heads off gummi bears to swap them around and make mixed-race monstrosities? I was, so why not do it with a gummi-bear the size of a small marmot.

Giant Cola Bottle
Giant Cola Bottle

The Chillsner
[$28.11] / [£24.99]
Offer a man a cold beer and he’ll be your friend for life, offer him a warm brew and prepare to have your insides taken out and shown to you. Some disgusting excuses for a human sometimes throw ice into their beer, but what if you want it straight from the bottle and not all nicely poured into a glass like a fancy Frenchman? The Chillsner is your solution. Yes, it may look like a sex toy for curious young chaps, and I’m almost certain it will be used as one, but the Chillsner’s ingenious design means it’s foremost purpose must be to chill beer. By freezing it for 90 minutes you can then jab this chilled metal rod into your bottle and drink through it, rendering all suds who pass as cold as arctic snow. You could use it for bottles of soda I suppose, but that would be more offensive than sticking it up your butt.

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The Chillsner
The Chillsner
The Chillsner

The Aeropress
[$25.40] / [£24.03]
Coffee gives me diarrhoea. I still drink it, but I usually have to walk around in adult diapers. The worst culprit is instant, but I’m not one of those idiots who gets up at 5am just to brew coffee in the morning. I think I might just buy one of these Aeropress Coffee Makers then, and get nice tasting coffee without wasting time or soiling myself by brunch. These single-cup coffee presses result in a smoother, less bitter flavour than usual methods. The Aeropress contains micro-filters so you don’t get a beach full of grit on the last gulp, and from start to finish it takes 20 seconds to press, as opposed to the hours you waste cleaning crap out of your regular filter machines / underwear.

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The Aeropress
The Aeropress



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