The honey you buy in the store is about as pure as Miley Cyrus. It’s mostly sugar syrup with Honey Monster’s jizz thrown in for luck. This Flow Hive is a great option for people who love fresh honey but hate effort. $600 will get you the whole hive and extraction kit including the box, frames and tubing; all you need are some bees. Or do what I do and make maggot honey. It’s horrible but the name sounds funny.
Pebble Time – the name of an awesome new smartwatch and the term I use to describe my bathroom trip after a night eating Indian food. This color e-paper smartwatch has up to 7 days of battery life, allows you to dictate replies to social media, and is entirely waterproof; meaning you could lie dead for a week at the bottom of a lake and fish could reply to your friends. Fully compatible with 6500+ Pebble apps and watchfaces, these stylish bastards begin shipping in May 2015.
Eventually we’ll all have tracking devices inserted for security and pleasure, but tracking possessions is also important. Bike Hawk’s GPS Tracking units use GPS with 2.5 metre accuracy to keep a close eye on where the hell you left your bike. The tracking components available inside seats, handlebars or taillights last over a month off one charge. If you want to track a stolen bike, draw penis cycle routes on google maps, or monitor your kids journey to a pervert’s home, you need the Bike Hawk GPS Trackers.
[$ Dependent on service requested]
Still Googling things yourself like a sucker? Start using Magic, a 24/7 service who will order you anything you like using pre-supplied address and payment info. Their number, 83489, is shorter than the word Google by one letter, saving valuable finger strength for when your partner comes over. Costing just a standard message rate, they’ll order you anything legal; beer, flowers, a hot air balloon, although I’d like to test how good they are and ask for a capuchin monkey in lingerie, which is still technically legal.
This Nessie shaped Ladle makes a great gift for people who enjoy soup, dinosaurs, and toughened nylon; because that’s what it is used for, resembles, and is made of. Nessie is of course the legendary inhabitant of Loch Ness in Scotland, a country famous for being a nation of drunks. You may wish to use this implement to scoop your own sick out of the sink after too many cans of Special Brew; just one of the many uses for this enchanting Nessie Ladle.
Motorised personal vehicles took an image hit with the release of the Segway, the transportational equivalent of a French kiss with Grandma. The DTV Shredder rectifies this mistake. This offroad combination of motocross power and board-sport control was developed with top X-Gamers and is poised to become the next big action sport. With its 5400 rpm engine capable of speeds up to 25 miles per hour, this vehicle that looks like Johnny Five screwed a Tank is your answer to all-terrain world domination.
Lasers are in everything these days, cars, phones, your mutant son’s eyes. Glow have created these Laser Light Smart Headphones available in blue, green and red. Unlike most gimmicky earphones they don’t sound like listening to music through a garbage can, using in-ear passive noise isolation and a dual balanced armature. It also syncs the light to your beats, and if they hit the 1mil target it’ll sync to your heart rate. Your earphones will know when you’re dying before you do.
I don’t bother buying so-called “toys” for my children. I work on the motto that “whatever they’re playing with, it’s a toy”. Bleach, power drills and next door’s roadkill cat are all wonderful tools to open up a child’s imagination so they can create their own stories. But if you’re sick of wiping the blood off their stupid happy faces, and you hate all the modern plastic crap that your kids just can’t help choking to death on, then this range of Candylab Toys Wooden Cars might appeal. They’re hand-crafted from solid beech wood, and covered with water based paint and a clear urethane coat. They’re durable enough to last for generations as a hand me down, just like the serious genetic defects I’ve passed on to my own little sausages.
Multifunction items are great. My toaster is also a fleshlight. The hamster cage doubles up as a blender. And my son is a bespoke reactive punchbag. In this vein comes the Leatherman Tool Bracelet. Their slogan “You don’t have to be a tool to wear one, but you are and also an idiot” hasn’t gone live yet, but it will. This high strength corrosion resistant stainless steel bracelet contains 25 different tools, including hex wrenches, a can opener, screwdrivers and a pulsating Ion cannon. Oh wait, they took that off. There are plans to add a Swiss made timepiece in the coming year, which also makes it a watch. Isn’t that nice. Although a chainsaw would be better.
I have many enemies, mostly because I’m so handsome. It makes me happy when my nemesis feels pain, yet with so called “laws” and “prison terms” stabbing your arch-rivals has become a bureaucratic nightmare. Instead, why not Ship Your Enemies Glitter? For $9.99 you can send an envelope full of shiny shit to anywhere in the world. You can include a message if you want. Described by the site as “craft herpes”, the glitter will irritate your enemy for days by getting in their clothes, eyes and foreskins. I’ve thought of a sequel to this site. Ship Your Enemies Gary Glitter. If you don’t know who that is…google him.
[$70] / [£45+]
If you’ve had to clean up a dead dog’s corpse, you’ll know it’s quite a tiring experience. I’m a professional dog assassin so I have to, but for those of you who love these stupid little shit machines we have a product to help keep your dogs less dead. The Poochlight Pet Safety Products are a range of dog accessories that light up your stupid mutt, including collars, leads and butt plugs. The last one is a lie. They all come with a chargeable ion battery that provides 24 hours of flashing life, so if your dog goes missing for more than that time they’re probably gutter-mush.