There are many ways for a man to acquire the smooth, clean shaven look of a twelve year old boy, but singing the hair off with petrol and matches is painful, as are regular razors and rolling in radioactive ooze until the hair falls out. Isn’t it about time someone involved lasers in this process? Yes, and Skarp have done exactly that with their Laser Razor. This nifty little device identifies certain wavelengths in your hair and slices right through them. Not only will you avoid skin irritation, but it’s also quicker, cleaner, and 100% more futurey. Can you use it on your balls? No idea. I guess that’ll be in the next demo video.
[$139] / [£34.89]
Some people like to hang inspiring quotes or classic reprints of artwork on their walls, but not you. We like to think you lot are a different kind of classy, the kind who would instead decorate their rooms with a giant Where’s Wally / Waldo wall mural. This 2.53 by 2.70 feature can be hung using regular wallpaper paste; or a combination of your own human secretions if you want to add a touch of glamour to proceedings. So the next time your awful bedroom technique bores your lover, just distract them with this Where’s Wally / Waldo mural and finish yourself off under the covers. Just as the manufacturer intended.
Showers are the most inefficient way to clean yourself, but do the women whose bathrooms I keep hiding in appreciate this advice? No. So maybe now the Nebia Shower has been invented they’ll listen instead of calling the cops and bashing me over the head with scented soaps. The Nebia uses 70% less water than regular showers, but still removes just as much people-stink. They work by atomising the water, enveloping you in a fine mist. The Kickstarter is currently sold out, but if you don’t want to wait you can order the $10,000 package and receive forty shower heads. You’ll need to take 33 times as many showers to make it worth your money, but that sounds like fun, doesn’t it ladies?
All great inventions begin life as solutions to opening a beer bottle. The Wright Brothers only invented the aeroplane as a way of taking the cap off a Budweiser, and whoever invented TNT must’ve wanted a cold one really bad. The Fly Pry Multi Tool Zipper is of course a bottle opener, but it also functions as a can opener, scraper, chisel, hex-bit adapter, box opener, and time portal generator. You can replace the boring regular zip found on your jacket, trousers, or gimp mask with this handy device, and never again will you have to resort to chewing the lid off your beer like a savage.
Remember those clever bastards at Squeaker who created the LED pet accessories? Well they’re back, and now they’ve gone all Big Brother on our asses. The Buddy is a new and improved LED dog collar which now features Bluetooth capabilities. You can use this in combination with your dog’s dietary habits to gauge your pet’s current fitness levels, or just fat shame your dog like a horrible human. The flashing multi-coloured LED collar will not only keep your pet safe at night, but also looking super fabulous during Pride festival.
Whenever I’m creeping up on someone it’s always my jingly jangly keys that give me away. Well no more! The Magkey Magnetic Smart Key Holder consists of several magnetic stickers which you can affix to your keys, sticking them together, and voila! No more noise! These Neodymium magnets work on any keys, except the key to my heart, which is made of some weird moist substance that nobody must touch.
[$12.03] / [£7.48]
As our lives become ever meaningless cycles of repetition, self-loathing and Netflix, many turn to the booze. But what to do with those empty bottles littering your home as a testament to your failure? Illuminate your hideous face of course! The Bottlelight is a rechargeable cork-shaped USB light, enabling you to jam it into bottles to make an interesting table feature. They charge in one hour and last three, so next time your other half comes home to find you drunk in a puddle of your own filth, you can simply claim you were collecting bottles to decorate your home with fine ornaments…before hurling a bottle at their ungrateful face.
[$153.14] / [£79.62]
This elegant ten inch Cork Globe is a lovely way to document the countries you’ve visited around the world. OR just stick pins in the countries you hate, identify countries riddled with Ebola, document the ever-expanding Russian Empire, play “guess the Isis stronghold”, which nations will behead you if they find bags of cocaine up your arse…there are so many possibilities! I’ve bought one of these, and on mine I’ve gouged out Scotland with a dessert spoon. It’s not a real country anyway.
[$12.03] / [£9.33]
My keys frequently go missing, just like my dignity. My dignity can usually be found in the bed of an obese drunken woman, so all I’ve left to worry about is the location of my house-entering equipment. Well I’ll worry no more with these nifty Animal Key Holders. They comprise of a small steel animal head which attaches to your keys as you carry them during the day. Then when you get home there is a magnetic shield waiting for you to pop them on. Simple!
[$29.99] / [£19.71]
When you’re out in the woods or in a bar full of hipsters do you suddenly get the urge to chop something? Me too! This Tactical Credit Card Ax may come in handy then. The stainless steel multi-tool fits into a credit card and contains parts to modify a stick into a tomahawk, ax, knife or small shovel, in addition to various wrench, socket and saw functions. It is made by Survco, a disabled veteran owned and operated business. Basically guys who lost limbs want to help you take other people’s with ease.