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Wetsuit Tuxedo
[$4,900]
Ever pissed yourself in a tuxedo? Me too. Expensive isn't it? You'd be better off messing yourself in this Wetsuit Tuxedo by Thom Browne. Then nobody will ever know. Or you could use this to pretend you're a spy coming out of the water. But with your flabby body, I doubt anyone would believe you. Despite looking like a two-piece, this Wetsuit Tuxedo is actually an all-in-one neoprene affair complete with large back zipper. You know, for when you need to get out of it after you've wet yourself.

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Wetsuit Tuxedo
Wetsuit Tuxedo

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Customisable Neon Sign
[$19.99]
Still buying pre-made neon signs like an idiot? What are you, some kind of idiot? This Customisable Neon Sign is where the fun's at. Consisting of three metres of neon cable and one metre of fixing wire, you can write literally anything you want out of this stuff. I mean, Arabic might be tricky. Chinese too. But you could at least spell out some pretty neat swear words. That's something, right?

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Customisable Neon Sign
Customisable Neon Sign

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Tinder Nightmares Book
[$13.29] / [£9.99]
I met my girlfriend where most people meet their partners; the baggage hold of an aeroplane. But if you're one of these modern twerps you might have hooked up with someone on Tinder. And if you're still alive to tell the tale, this book of Tinder Nightmares will give you at least three laughs, six moments of self-reflection and one instance of pure, unadulterated fear. Based on the famous instagram account of the same name, Tinder Nightmares is a book with words in that you can pay money for instead.

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Tinder Nightmares Book
Tinder Nightmares Book

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Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres
[£49.99]
Balloons burst. Bubbles burst. Small animals burst. These Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres do not burst. That's because they're made of some kind of sh*t that's all solid on the inside. They grip like normal bike tyres, have low rolling resistance and possess an equivalent give of about 100 psi. Do you know what that means? Then you ride bikes too much. Do something else. Read a book. Fondle a crow. Anything.

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Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres

Unburstable Solid Bike Tyres →

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Water Saving Mist Shower Head
[$649]
I drink water straight from the shower. I don't know of any other way to get water in my house. This Water Saving Mist Shower Head makes it so much harder to quench my thirst, but it does help you clean your filthy body with 70% less water than usual. I guess that's good. But I'm so thirsty. I wonder if there's water in the toilet?

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Water Saving Mist Shower Head
Water Saving Mist Shower Head

Water Saving Mist Shower Head →

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F*ck, That's Delicious
[$27.49] / [£20.99]
Oh look, some bloke off the internet has released a cookery book. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE WORLD NEEDED RIGHT NOW. Action Bronson, who is a man I've never heard of, apparently does raps and things when he's not making cookery books. F*ck, That's Delicious is the result of him being sent around the world to eat stuff, write down what was in that stuff, and sell someone else's recipes to you, the hungry consumer. Lovely. It's got 40 pages. That's a lot isn't it?

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F*ck, That's Delicious
F*ck, That's Delicious

F*ck, That's Delicious →

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Giant Enter Key
[$14.99] / [£11.99]
When I get angry at my computer I throw it out the window with scant regard for the safety of passers by. If you'd rather punch something, buy a cat. Or, just get one of these massive Giant Enter Keys and smash that with your stupid great fist instead. This 140x200mm fluffy giant enter key actually works too. All you need to do is plug it into your computer via USB and voila, you can feel like a big toughy every time you finish a sentence.

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Giant Enter Key
Giant Enter Key

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Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case
[$10.95] / [£8.38]
Is your phone on fire right now? How do you know for sure? Is there smoke? Are there flames? You've no idea have you, you hapless fool. Thankfully, this Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case is capable of alerting you to the presence of heat on your phone while simultaneously protecting it. You could even throw your phone into the sun and it would still survive, probably.

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Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case
Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case

Thermal Sensitive iPhone Case →

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Hovercraft Golf Cart
[$58,000]
Finally, Donald Trump can go golfing in Puerto Rico. This Hovercraft Golf Cart glides over sand traps and water hazards with ease, and to be honest it would probably clear a small man if you weren't bothered about the consequences. With a top speed of 45mph forwards and 25 mph backwards, this vehicle is capable of whisking you away from tragedy and back onto hole nine in the time it takes to criticise a nation's relief efforts.

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Hovercraft Golf Cart
Hovercraft Golf Cart

Hovercraft Golf Cart →

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Wall Mounted Can Crusher
[$13.70] / [£10.24]
Do you love recycling but you've lost your legs in a war? How awful. There is literally no other way you could crush down a beer can other than This Wall Mounted Can Crusher. Capable of squeezing 12 and 16 ounce cans into oblivion, this product is more an act of charity than anything. I firmly believe that even limbless veterans should be able to recycle without prejudice. Hail Hydra.

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£ Check it out

Wall Mounted Can Crusher

Wall Mounted Can Crusher →

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Creepy Baby Masks
[$650]
One day giant babies will take over the Earth. That's the way science is going. I don't have any actual evidence for that assumption, but it is undeniably true. If you want to blend in with those humongous infants then you'll need a disguise of some sort. I'd suggest one of these Creepy Baby Masks made out of latex and real baby skin. Although, I guess they're only creepy if you hate babies. Do you? What a terrible thing to say. Kiss that baby now before someone overhears what a monster you are.

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Creepy Baby Masks
Creepy Baby Masks

Creepy Baby Masks →

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The Lomo'Instant Square Camera
[$129]
Here is a new kind of camera which is a lot like an old kind of camera except it's new. The Lomo'Instant Square Camera works with both Fujifilm and Instax Square Film; both of which are too f**king expensive if you ask me. The Lomo also has multiple exposure and colour gel filter capabilities, which makes me so happy inside I think I've pissed myself. This Kickstarter project will ship next year, or never if we all die in a nuclear apocalypse beforehand.

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The Lomo'Instant Square Camera
The Lomo'Instant Square Camera

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