Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Enter below for a chance to get your hands on a "Microbrewer" one gallon home-brewing kit courtesy of brew box kits! These kits not only look the business they produce the business, taking as little as two weeks to create 8-10 tasty tasty beers. Look at it, it's beautiful!

brew box giveaway
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!
Brew Box Kit Giveaway!

Abusive Balloons
[$9.49] / [£5.99]
In order of preference for things that could be abusive, mine in descending order would be stepfather, relationship, graffiti-tattooed-on-my-face, and balloons at the top. Because these Abusive Balloons are exactly how I feel every time I go to some crap party. Whether it’s a birthday, christening or wake, undermine the emotional impact of the occasion with these sassy and rude balloons, which are almost as offensive as your stench-ridden breath which you’ll use to fill them. They come in packs of 4 red, yellow and orange balloons which read “Fuck Me You’re Old, Happy Fucking Whatever, and This Party Is Shit”. I’d like to add my own suggestion “Everyone Here Will Eventually Die”.

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Abusive Balloons
Abusive Balloons
Abusive Balloons

Air Hogs Zero Gravity Wall Climbing Remote Control Car
[$48.99] / [£72.07]
If we’re all perfectly honest with ourselves, then nobody actually wants gift-cards, clothes or charity donations for Christmas. All that stuff can burn in hell for all I’m concerned, I want booze and toys. This Wall Climbing Stunt Car is just the thing for Christmas day, especially if you’ve just watched the festive family film Trainspotting and want something to start climbing the walls. This car has a lightweight yet heavy-duty body that won’t smash to bits even if it drops off… which it won’t, because it uses an advanced system of fans to keep it stuck to the wall. It comes in red, blue and black, or more colours if you paint it with the expensive nail varnish your sister got.

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Air Hogs Zero Gravity Wall Climbing Remote Control Car
Air Hogs Zero Gravity Wall Climbing Remote Control Car
Air Hogs Zero Gravity Wall Climbing Remote Control Car

Hand Shit Hand Moisturiser
[$12.59] / [£7.99]
Anyone remember reading Of Mice and Men in school, and laughing about how the character Curley used to have one hand in a glove full of Vaseline to keep it nice and soft for his wife? Well if you want to give someone a ruddy good stroking without having to keep your hand gunked up all day, then some Hand Shit will do the trick. Packed with Vitamin E, this beeswax based goop comes in Apple Blossom, Honeysuckle Sage, Jasmine Fig and Sweet Pea Lilac. Fuck knows what any of that smells like, but your hands will stink of it after you rub it on. You’d better find out unless you want to be known as Professor Stink Fists.

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Hand Shit Hand Moisturiser
Hand Shit Hand Moisturiser
Hand Shit Hand Moisturiser

Lip Shit Lip Balm
[$7.89] / [£4.99]
I’m not ashamed to admit that as a modern man I occasionally wear lip balm. Why? Because sometimes my lips get chapped and I don’t want to look like a 19th Century herpes riddled whore, that’s why. It’s much nicer for ladies and gents to say “I’m just getting out my Lip Shit” than lip balm, so here we are. There are many flavours of this beeswax based balm, such as Asian Pear with Peppermint, Coconut and Basil, Cucumber and Mint and Lemonade with Hibiscus. Imagine licking these off the gob of someone you fancy. Feels good right? So buy some already. The best part is, it isn’t made with actual shit! Bonus!

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Lip Shit Lip Balm
Lip Shit Lip Balm
Lip Shit Lip Balm

Goonies Playing Cards
[$20.49] / [£12.49]
Quick! You need to buy these Goonies Playing Cards as fast as you can. Why? Because they’re making a stupid bastard sequel that’s why. Before Hollywood tramples over our childhood memories of laughing at a severely disfigured man and an obese child on an adventure, you need to relive one of the great 80’s kids movies by playing with these cards. If you actually watch the film you’ll realise it’s actually not that great, but you can pretend it was with this laverly set of cards featuring Sloth, Chunk, erm, Ken, Chinese Kid, Saucy Leroy, Raiden, Optimus Prime and Neil Diamond. Look nobody remembers the rest, just play with them and leave me alone.

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Goonies Playing Cards
Goonies Playing Cards
Goonies Playing Cards

The Navdy
[$319] / [£190]
Some jerk policeman pulled someone over recently for wearing a Google Glass headset in their car. So until we have computers strapped to our dirty old peepers, the next best thing for navigating whilst driving is The Navdy. This fancy little device will make you feel like you’re in a futuristic film where Tom Cruise is playing renegade cop who is now a wasp or something. The Navdy integrates with your Android or iPhone smartphone and also your car’s instruments (except the trombone) to provide a heads up display projected right in front of you on its own display. Access maps, messages and music streaming using voice recognition or a few mid-air swipes. This unit is better than other HUD units that project on to your windscreen, as that requires faffing according to your specific model of car. Also bird shit on the windscreen makes it hard to read.

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The Navdy
The Navdy
The Navdy

Proviz Reflect 360 Running Apparel
[$55 - $149.99] / [£25 - £77]
Remember when all glow in the dark stuff had to be made in rancid neon green, robot princess pink and fukushima wee wee yellow? It was horrible, and frankly I’d rather get hit by a car at night than wear all that nasty business. Luckily the clever sods at Proviz REFLECT360 have come up with a fancy fabric which is a modest grey during daylight hours, but at night it shines bright like a diamond, like that song by, erm, Slipknot. They do a range of jackets, bags and vests in this material that gives an astonishing amount of reflectivity. They are designed to allow heat to escape properly from your body, and it even contains handy slots for a headphone pocket socket. I only wish they made a range of reflective 70’s short shorts to show off my thighs, or a nice reflective thong for the night-time flasher who doesn’t want to become a statistic.

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Proviz Reflect 360 Running Apparel
Proviz Reflect 360 Running Apparel
Proviz Reflect 360 Running Apparel

Aero Bull Speaker
[$1,600] / [£1,029]
The first thing you should note is that trying to make this awesome dog speaker at home is an absolute nightmare. The mess created by trying to force a smartphone into the brain-bag of a Bulldog is a right ruddy palaver. That’s not even taking into account where you shove the USB cable. Just buy one of these AeroBull speakers instead, available in white, red and matt black. Containing an amp, two full range drivers and a subwoofer, this dog lets out sound-guffs at 120 watts. Connect it to any smartphone using lightning, Bluetooth and NFC, or regular audio sources through a line-in, which I hope the designers have put on his winky, because that would be dead funny.

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Aero Bull Speaker
Aero Bull Speaker
Aero Bull Speaker

Street Fighter Christmas Jumper
[$55] / [£34.99]
Picture the scene. It’s Christmas, Grandma has come over and is being a bit racist as usual. You’ve had a little bit too much to drink. You open a present, and it’s this Street Fighter Christmas Jumper. What do you do? “Hadouken!”. Grandma is hurled through the window and she crumples into a heap on the street below. You turn away, thinking your job is done. But no, she picks herself up and rips off her overcoat, revealing a saucy pair of Chun-Li style knickers, which she flashes at you as she attempts a spinning bird kick to your face. Obviously she’s 83, and instead she falls over and breaks her hip, which ruins Christmas for everyone. But do you know what won’t ruin Christmas? Buying someone this official Street Fighter jumper, which is made from Acrylic, available in all regular people sizes, and is quite frankly the finest Christmas jumper ever made.

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Street Fighter Christmas Jumper
Street Fighter Christmas Jumper
Street Fighter Christmas Jumper

Runbell
[$31.49] / [£PRICE]
Because I’m a modern technological genius, I do all my exercise online now. I have an app that runs thirty miles for me every morning, so theoretically I’m as fit as a fiddle. Unfortunately for you poor idiots running in the street, you have all manner of briefcase arseholes to run into. Now with the Runbell you can alert any pedestrians in your way with the spring-loaded brass bell which can be heard up to 10 metres away. This is especially handy if you’re doing the triple jump on a busy high street at 8.30 in the morning. And frankly, who isn’t doing that. Phillips Idowu, that’s who. This bell fits onto hands or gloves, but not tentacles. It is fully adjustable and if someone doesn’t move I bet you could make a pretty big dent in someone’s forehead with it as a handy alternative.

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Runbell
Runbell
Runbell



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