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Inflatable Pizza Raft
[$98.99]
If you’ve spent the last six months avoiding certain food to achieve that perfect beach body then what better way to say “fuck you carbohydrates” than by riding a giant Inflatable Pizza Raft to freedom. This rubbery Italian delight is easy to inflate, comes with connectors so you can join with other pizza slice enthusiasts, and if you lend it to my mate Barry he’ll ensure it comes back with a realistic cheesy smell.

$ Check it out

Inflatable Pizza Raft
Inflatable Pizza Raft

Inflatable Pizza Raft

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More Awesome Wood Toys
[from $9]
Those crafty sods from Candylab are back with more of their retro hand-made wooden toy cars. Your kids can recreate the thrills of a realistic traffic jam caused by an inconsiderate prick towing a camper trailer. Enjoy the stench of an inner-city taxi journey (n.b. sweat not included). And when all these break down you’ve got a handy tow truck to tow them all away, where a man who left school at twelve will suck his teeth and overcharge you for new wing-mirrors.

$ Check it out

More Awesome Wood Toys
More Awesome Wood Toys
More Awesome Wood Toys

More Awesome Wood Toys

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Miito Eco-Friendly Kettle
[€75]
Every time you boil a kettle a koala chokes to death on pollution. That’s almost true, as we do waste a lot of electricity, natural resources, and most importantly money on re-boiling water over and over again. The Miito Eco-Friendly Kettle isn’t even a kettle, comprising of an induction base and a heated rod which can be placed into any non-ferrous vessel (don’t put it up your butt) to heat the liquid efficiently and quickly. This is so much better for the environment that next time you go to the zoo the animals might not throw their excrement at you. Bonus points!

$ Check it out

Miito Eco-Friendly Kettle
Miito Eco-Friendly Kettle

Miito Eco-Friendly Kettle

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The Kazbrella Inside-Out Umbrella
[£35]
Most people want an inside-out umbrella as much as they want an inside out dog. However, it is the mechanism which turns inside-out to make the Kazbrella Umbrella so damn clever. When regular umbrellas fold away they drip the water all over you, making them as pointless as a bar of soap at Kesha’s house. This clever design unveils itself in the opposite direction to keep the moisture away. It also comes double spoked for strength, and opens above you to prevent eye-pokeage. Shame, I love a good eye-poke.

£ Check it out

The Kazbrella Inside-Out Umbrella
The Kazbrella Inside-Out Umbrella
The Kazbrella Inside-Out Umbrella

The Kazbrella Inside-Out Umbrella

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Fake Stacks Of Cash
[$34.99]
Are you the kind of person who wants everyone to think you’re dollar when really you’re a broke-ass bitch? This set of prop money comes with 5 fake stacks of distressed $100 bills. The interior notes are blank but let’s hope the lady at the grocery store doesn’t notice. Wait, I mean the people who watch your movie. Perhaps you could make a porno about Mr Burns? Or maybe you want to make people go crazy by burning it outside a homeless shelter. Do as you please.

$ Check it out

Fake Stacks Of Cash
Fake Stacks Of Cash

Fake Stacks Of Cash

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Banana Night Light
[$20.39] / [£12.99]
When I look at this plastic, battery powered Banana Night Light I automatically think “Light-up Dildo”. Now that’s out of the way let’s consider what else you could use it for. Carry it with you to the toilet when you take a midnight shit, for yes, it is portable. Use it to find other bananas you’ve stored in your bedroom. Leave it in Walmart to make the late shift staff think it’s a banana ghost. The possibilities are probably not endless, but still. I like it.

$ Check it out
£ Check it out

Banana Night Light

Banana Night Light

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Guitar Nail Files
[$15.99] / [£5]
Omg baybs we r gonna look sooooo kewl when we file ar nailz wiv dem rockstar nailz guitar files. Omg a know rofl totally! We r lyk so rock chiks am I ryt? U ar ryt baybs.

If you are the kind of girl who thinks it’s okay to talk like that then I refuse you permission to buy these. Unless you first buy a hammer and brush your face with it. These Rockstar Guitar Nail Files from Suck UK are nail files shaped like a guitar. Are they going to change your life? No they are not. Will it make filing your nails vaguely more interesting? Perhaps. Will it make you a rock chick? No. Unless I hit you over the head with a rock. Chick.

$ Check it out
£ Check it out

Guitar Nail Files

Guitar Nail Files

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Splendid Beast Pet Portraits
[from $99]
Everyone loves their pet puppies, kitties and pet tiger sharks, until they become all dead. It’s such a nuisance throwing a lifeless dog corpse into the canal. If you want to remember your pet, living, dead or ugly, then why not have a lovely portrait made by Splendid Beast. It takes 8 weeks to create a customised oil painting based on a photograph you send in. They offer templates that make your pet into a king, businessman and a sassy sailor. No porn star templates though. That’d be too sexy.

$ Check it out

Splendid Beast Pet Portraits
Splendid Beast Pet Portraits

Splendid Beast Pet Portraits

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Tottoos Child Tattoos
[from $12.95]
If you’re the kind of irresponsible parent who frequently loses your child then these Tottoos Child Tattoos could help the police identify the corpse. Personally I’d give my kids little tramp stamps saying Lil Slut or Wide Load. These temporary transfers are customisable and are supposed to help strangers identify the needs or owner of a lost child. I’d use them to write the following things. “My Son Is Allergic To Pedofiles”. “Jimmy Is A Prick”. “If Crying Do Not Hug”. “Hazardous Waste, Please Incinerate”.

$ Check it out

Tottoos Child Tattoos
Tottoos Child Tattoos

Tottoos Child Tattoos

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Time Locking Kitchen Container
[$54.95] / [£39.99]
Are your family morbidly obese? Do you have a crack habit? Maybe you just spend too much time on your phone. These Time Locking Kitchen Containers can solve all your addictions with their programmable lids that can be set to lock for up to ten days. Throw your vice into the box and hey presto, you are cured. Note; this product is unsuitable for chronic masturbators or those with a hamster fetish. Ah who am I kidding, knock yourselves out.

$ Check it out
£ Check it out

Time Locking Kitchen Container
Time Locking Kitchen Container

Time Locking Kitchen Container

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Underwater Bath Lights
[$12.19] / [£7.99]
When my kids asked me to turn bath time into a funky disco light show it all went horribly wrong and I had to send them to rehab. Save yourself the trouble of all those costly rehab bills by investing in the battery operated Underwater Disco Lightshow. The waterproof device (obviously) bobs around your bath providing pretty coloured lights. This is the only time that that people will ever thank you for providing a floating object in a hot tub.

$ Check it out
£ Check it out

Underwater Bath Lights
Underwater Bath Lights

Underwater Bath Lights

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The Whiskey Bullet
[$44.99]
The Whiskey Bullet is particularly apt as whenever some imbecile serves me whiskey at room temperature, it makes me want to shoot off a man’s own personal love-weapon. These stainless steel bullets are smooth, flavourless and classy, unlike your mother. Simply freeze the bullets for 4 hours or more and drop them straight into your fire-water, vodka or child’s milkshake. You should probably tell them it’s in there though.

$ Check it out

The Whiskey Bullet
The Whiskey Bullet

The Whiskey Bullet

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