If you’ve spent the last six months avoiding certain food to achieve that perfect beach body then what better way to say “fuck you carbohydrates” than by riding a giant Inflatable Pizza Raft to freedom. This rubbery Italian delight is easy to inflate, comes with connectors so you can join with other pizza slice enthusiasts, and if you lend it to my mate Barry he’ll ensure it comes back with a realistic cheesy smell.
Those crafty sods from Candylab are back with more of their retro hand-made wooden toy cars. Your kids can recreate the thrills of a realistic traffic jam caused by an inconsiderate prick towing a camper trailer. Enjoy the stench of an inner-city taxi journey (n.b. sweat not included). And when all these break down you’ve got a handy tow truck to tow them all away, where a man who left school at twelve will suck his teeth and overcharge you for new wing-mirrors.
Every time you boil a kettle a koala chokes to death on pollution. That’s almost true, as we do waste a lot of electricity, natural resources, and most importantly money on re-boiling water over and over again. The Miito Eco-Friendly Kettle isn’t even a kettle, comprising of an induction base and a heated rod which can be placed into any non-ferrous vessel (don’t put it up your butt) to heat the liquid efficiently and quickly. This is so much better for the environment that next time you go to the zoo the animals might not throw their excrement at you. Bonus points!
Most people want an inside-out umbrella as much as they want an inside out dog. However, it is the mechanism which turns inside-out to make the Kazbrella Umbrella so damn clever. When regular umbrellas fold away they drip the water all over you, making them as pointless as a bar of soap at Kesha’s house. This clever design unveils itself in the opposite direction to keep the moisture away. It also comes double spoked for strength, and opens above you to prevent eye-pokeage. Shame, I love a good eye-poke.
Are you the kind of person who wants everyone to think you’re dollar when really you’re a broke-ass bitch? This set of prop money comes with 5 fake stacks of distressed $100 bills. The interior notes are blank but let’s hope the lady at the grocery store doesn’t notice. Wait, I mean the people who watch your movie. Perhaps you could make a porno about Mr Burns? Or maybe you want to make people go crazy by burning it outside a homeless shelter. Do as you please.
[$20.39] / [£12.99]
When I look at this plastic, battery powered Banana Night Light I automatically think “Light-up Dildo”. Now that’s out of the way let’s consider what else you could use it for. Carry it with you to the toilet when you take a midnight shit, for yes, it is portable. Use it to find other bananas you’ve stored in your bedroom. Leave it in Walmart to make the late shift staff think it’s a banana ghost. The possibilities are probably not endless, but still. I like it.
[$15.99] / [£5]
Omg baybs we r gonna look sooooo kewl when we file ar nailz wiv dem rockstar nailz guitar files. Omg a know rofl totally! We r lyk so rock chiks am I ryt? U ar ryt baybs.
If you are the kind of girl who thinks it’s okay to talk like that then I refuse you permission to buy these. Unless you first buy a hammer and brush your face with it. These Rockstar Guitar Nail Files from Suck UK are nail files shaped like a guitar. Are they going to change your life? No they are not. Will it make filing your nails vaguely more interesting? Perhaps. Will it make you a rock chick? No. Unless I hit you over the head with a rock. Chick.
Everyone loves their pet puppies, kitties and pet tiger sharks, until they become all dead. It’s such a nuisance throwing a lifeless dog corpse into the canal. If you want to remember your pet, living, dead or ugly, then why not have a lovely portrait made by Splendid Beast. It takes 8 weeks to create a customised oil painting based on a photograph you send in. They offer templates that make your pet into a king, businessman and a sassy sailor. No porn star templates though. That’d be too sexy.
If you’re the kind of irresponsible parent who frequently loses your child then these Tottoos Child Tattoos could help the police identify the corpse. Personally I’d give my kids little tramp stamps saying Lil Slut or Wide Load. These temporary transfers are customisable and are supposed to help strangers identify the needs or owner of a lost child. I’d use them to write the following things. “My Son Is Allergic To Pedofiles”. “Jimmy Is A Prick”. “If Crying Do Not Hug”. “Hazardous Waste, Please Incinerate”.
[$54.95] / [£39.99]
Are your family morbidly obese? Do you have a crack habit? Maybe you just spend too much time on your phone. These Time Locking Kitchen Containers can solve all your addictions with their programmable lids that can be set to lock for up to ten days. Throw your vice into the box and hey presto, you are cured. Note; this product is unsuitable for chronic masturbators or those with a hamster fetish. Ah who am I kidding, knock yourselves out.
[$12.19] / [£7.99]
When my kids asked me to turn bath time into a funky disco light show it all went horribly wrong and I had to send them to rehab. Save yourself the trouble of all those costly rehab bills by investing in the battery operated Underwater Disco Lightshow. The waterproof device (obviously) bobs around your bath providing pretty coloured lights. This is the only time that that people will ever thank you for providing a floating object in a hot tub.
The Whiskey Bullet is particularly apt as whenever some imbecile serves me whiskey at room temperature, it makes me want to shoot off a man’s own personal love-weapon. These stainless steel bullets are smooth, flavourless and classy, unlike your mother. Simply freeze the bullets for 4 hours or more and drop them straight into your fire-water, vodka or child’s milkshake. You should probably tell them it’s in there though.