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Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoe
[£2000]
Whenever I travel abroad I like to keep knives and explosives stored in my shoes. It's just a hobby of mine, no big deal. If you'd like to follow in my literal footsteps, why not pick up a pair of these Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoes. These foot-gloves are custom-made to allow the wearer to store whatever crap you want in the soles; cash, drugs, spaghetti, whatever you want. They even come with kevlar laces for strangling your foes. Isn't that nice? You could be a really s**t James Bond.

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Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoe
Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoe

Oliver Sweeney Secret Shoe →

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Xbox One X
[$532.98] / [£429.99]
The Xbox One X improves on its predecessor by being more expensive, and therefore better, than the typical Xbox One. Slimmer than the Playstation 4 Pro, this little tart has been touted as the world's most powerful console, but in reality it's just a fancy upgrade on the Xbox One. With six teraflops of graphics performance you'll be able to see yourself getting n00b-tubed in glorious detail, and since the Xbox One X also comes with a one terabyte hard drive, you'll be able to store a whole bunch of unfathomably expensive DLC content on it without worrying about filling her up. Oh, and remember kids, Don't buy Battlefront 2, or Santa will kick you in the tits.

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£ Check it out

Xbox One X
Xbox One X

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Classic Super Nintendo System
[$152.75] / [£113.56]
The Super Nintendo is back! I mean, if you kept one in your mum's garage it technically never went away, but if you haven't, be prepared to pay an extortionate amount of money to relive all your childhood memories. Super Man Brother, Monkey Dong, The Legend of Zebras and all your other favourite SNES games can be bought online for five times what you originally paid, but first you'll need to pick up a Classic Super Nintendo System to play them on, which Best Buy are selling for under a hundred clams.

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£ Check it out

Classic Super Nintendo System
Classic Super Nintendo System

Classic Super Nintendo System →

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Distraction Free Smart Typewriter
[$509.99]
Typing these product descriptions out is hard work you know. It's often difficult to concentrate what with so many OH LOOK HULK HOGAN'S NUDES OMG. This Distraction Free Smart Typewriter is probably something I should invest in then, since it allows for nothing more than typing, rereading and WOW DID YOU KNOW MARK WAHLBERG ONCE BEAT A GUY NEARLY TO DEATH? Wi-fi compatible and with a stupidly long battery life, this portable typing kerjigger can be synched with Dropbox, Evernote and Google Drive, allowing you to finally finish that novel you've been writing about HOLY CRAP THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR THE BUTT CRACK IS THE INTERGLUTEAL CLEFT.

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Distraction Free Smart Typewriter
Distraction Free Smart Typewriter

Distraction Free Smart Typewriter →

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Booze Filled Pinata
[$89.99]
Pinatas, just like tantrums and nappies, are not just for children. As we millenials regress ever further towards infancy, the need for adult versions of childhood favourites becomes ever more apparent. This booze filled pinata is a prime example, as it can be customised to include any alcohol miniatures your demented mind can think of, so long as they come in a plastic bottle. Because smashing something full of glass would be a terrible idea, as the people at Nipyata probably discovered during the prototype stage.

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Booze Filled Pinata
Booze Filled Pinata

Booze Filled Pinata →

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Cigar-Holder Glass
[$19.95]
Like McDonalds and a joint, a burger and a beer or pasta and a cry, the combination of whiskey and a cigar is a classic combination. But what if you only have one arm because you lost it fighting the Terminator? Or, even worse, what if you have nowhere to put your cigar down because your ears are too small? That's where this functional Cigar Glass comes in handy, as it allows you to safely store a stogie and a slug of whiskey in one hand, leaving your other free to gesticulate wildly as you mansplain a topic you know nothing about.

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Cigar-Holder Glass

Cigar-Holder Glass →

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Dog Leotards
[$39.99]
Is your dog nowhere near sexy enough? Then buy the hairy little swine one of these Dog Leotards, which come in a range of sizes and colours to fit even the most portly pooch with a predilection for lycra. Originally designed to help prevent shedding dogs from leaving their fur everywhere, these lightweight, breathable outfits are now more popular as a way of stylising your canine companion. And if the dog doesn't like wearing it then who cares? They're just dogs. If they wanted a say in how they were dressed they should've evolved like we hoomans done did.

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Dog Leotards
Dog Leotards

Dog Leotards →

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Rick and Morty Monopoly
[$47.98] / [£29.59]
Remember when all those Rick and Morty narks lost their s**t because McDonalds failed to stock enough limited edition Szechuan sauce? That was fun wasn't it? Let's see if it happens again with this limited edition Rick and Morty Monopoly set. The pieces are like things from Rick and Morty, and the cards and places and houses and hotels are also like things from Rick and Morty. That's because it's a Rick and Morty themed Monopoly set, you absolute f**king plumbus.

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£ Check it out

Rick and Morty Monopoly
Rick and Morty Monopoly

Rick and Morty Monopoly →

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Middle Finger Cat Shirt
[£13.99]
Flipping people off is a lot of fun. I went down to my local orphanage the other day and flipped off all the kids there just in time for Christmas. But sometimes giving someone the bird can get you in trouble, so why not give them the cat instead, with this Middle Finger Cat Shirt. The feisty feline's flipoff is revealed through a simple tugging down of the pocket, allowing you to insult bus drivers, delivery boys and garbage men with consumate ease.

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Middle Finger Cat Shirt

Middle Finger Cat Shirt →

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SipCaddy Bathtime Cupholder
[$13.95]
Until now, the only things you could drink in the shower were shower water, bubble bath, shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, shower gel or your own urine, blood and tears. However, this choice of bathtime beverages has now been expanded to everything ever, thanks to the SipCaddy Bathtime Cupholder. This handly little bastard sticks to your wall and can hold bottles, cups, cans and really big eggs probably. Although it's not intended for use with glass, but that shouldn't stop a renegade bath-drinker like you!

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SipCaddy Bathtime Cupholder

SipCaddy Bathtime Cupholder →

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Mini Toothpick Crossbow
[$35.96]
Has your work colleague seen you slacking off playing World of Warcraft at your desk? Perhaps the woman who sits next to you noticed you took 40 minutes to have a dump yesterday. If so, why not blind your enemies / coworkers with this Mini Toothpick Crossbow. With a range of thirty to fifty feet, this mini maiming device can cause trauma to human flesh and soda cans alike. You could probably use it to reenact the Battle of Hastings using mice too, if you wanted.

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Mini Toothpick Crossbow →

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Cubiio Laser Engraver
[$499]
The Cubioo Laser Engraver is the most compact laser engraver in the world...until someone makes a smaller one, or they put this one into a trash compactor. Capable of engraving designs into paper, wood, leather and human flesh, the Cubioo is ideal for personalising keychains and small pets alike. The Cubioo's laser is so powerful it could even cut through the moon, as well as fabric, felt and cardboard. So what are you waiting for you non-engraving idiot? Get one of these and start burning your name into stuff!

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Cubiio Laser Engraver
Cubiio Laser Engraver

Cubiio Laser Engraver →

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The Marlowe Lunch Bag
[$44]
There's just something about a brown bag lunch that makes whatever you're eating more delicious. But if you're still taking your lunch to work in this manner when you're 40, people might start to wonder where you are on the spectrum. This Marlowe Lunch Bag is a reusable and less spazzy version of the classic brown bag, made out of altogether classier waxed canvas. Waterproof, closed with a fold and coming with a single exterior pocket, you could probably carry soup in this and eat it straight from the bag if you wanted.

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The Marlowe Lunch Bag
The Marlowe Lunch Bag

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