[$189] / [£130]
If you offered me a Floyd Leg for $189 I’d probably assume you meant one of Mayweather’s, and to be honest I’d pay double to see that man in a wheelchair. However the Floyd Leg is actually a clever piece of thinking that allows you to turn any flat surface into a table. This kit comprises of four powder coated metal legs which clamp on to any surface to make a table. 29 inches high, they are simple, portable, and require no tools to attach. So now you can make a dinner table from Grandma’s gravestone, just like you always wanted.

[$14.70] / [£10.24]
Unfortunately if you came here looking for a way you could pay to stamp on Nicolas Cage’s face we can’t help you, although if we’re honest his career has gone so shit so quickly he’d probably let you do it for free just to lick the gum off your shoe. This Nicolas Cage Face Stamp is of the inky variety, and I’m going to assume you know how a stamp works so let’s not concern ourselves with that. This is made from wood and rubber, just like Nicolas Cage’s face. That doesn’t make any sense. Leave me alone.

[$63.45] / [£53.33]
If you own a Mac then you’ll know they’re as delicate as a dandelion, as weak as a kitten, as fragile as a child with no immune system in a playground full of sneezing jerks. So why not buy this outstandingly durable Military Grade Macbook Cover? Designed for the 12inch Macbook, this military tested armor shell is what tough army guys use to protect their Macs when they’re chatting online to their family shortly before a devastating explosion. So you know they’re good. They also come in clear and smoke grey…just like an ejaculating robot.

[£450,000]
The Jaguar E-type is the kind of car men want to make love to, and many frequently do, mangling their man bits in the process. But if you're confident you can improve on greatness then the folks at Eagle are now offering a custom-built Eagle Speedster based entirely on the original E-type model. You could add racing stripes, speed holes, an easy access dogging roof - whatever the hell you want! Jeremy Clarkson called the Eagle Speedster the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but he's a racist who punched a man for not bringing him his dinner, so just watch the video and see for yourself.

[$20.29] / [£14]
The Desktop Cinema Light Box is a battery powered table lamp which comes with 69 acetate letters, numbers and symbols along with 6 blank customisable tiles allowing you to display the title of your favourite movie. It doesn't matter if you like Schindler's List or Backdoor Thundersluts 5, you can write whatever you want on this lovely light-up ornament because it's your house and you make the rules.

[$59.95]
For those of you stupid enough to be cajoled into buying one of those awful Apple Watches, the time has long since passed where you could make good on your investment. But, in an effort to prove the sunk cost fallacy, why not throw good money after bad and tart that contraption up with these Horween Leather Apple Watch Straps from Nomad. Apparently, Horween leather develops a unique patina over time, and I don't know what that means, but I bet it's not going to stop your wife leaving you is it? The straps also come with a custom 316 stainless steel buckle too, and if I was a betting man I'd say this isn't going to compensate for having no friends. Finally, these straps are also compatible with any kind of apple watch. Pah, if only you were as compatible with other human beings, you sigh, as you slowly draw the noose around your neck.

[$169.95]
Baseballs was invented by Ken Baseballs in 1998 after he watched a preview screening of the Matrix and thought "they should beat each other with bats instead of all this pissing about." He later added a ball to the game, and hence the game of basingballs we know and love was born. And if you want to have a play of basersballs then you need one of these Custom Louisville Slugger Bats, then you can hit the ball dead hard towards the end zone or whatever. Get em made in whatever colour, shape and wood you want…except balsa wood probably.

[£5.45]
Do you know what's funny? Like, what's seriously the funniest thing ever to do ever in the whole world ever? Telling someone who is old...that they are old. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh god just thinking about it made me laugh all of the fun -guts out of my body. These S**t Ur Old Candles are the perfect way to achieve this. Just pop them on the birthday boy or girl's cake, light them, step back, and wait for hilarity to ensure. If laughter fails to be aroused, simply make a list of all the famous people who were dead at your age. That'll show em.

[£1,745]
If sitting on the Manet Easy Chair doesn't give you piles then I don't know what will. I mean, what the hell is this thing? It looks like a giant punnet of lipsticks. Why would you want to sit on that? If you do, then I suppose you'll probably want to know this chair is available in “a bunch” of colours, uses washable and removable covers, and it costs about two grand. I reckon I could knock one of these up for you in about five minutes for a tenner though. But it's up to you.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[£12.99]
The worst thing that can happen to you at a music festival is coming back to your tent to find someone has cut a hole in the side and shat in your sleeping bag. It is an undeniably awful experience, but it is also incredibly good for character building. If you'd like to guarantee that this heinous anus act occurs, why not cover your tent in this obnoxious Glow in the Dark Tape? Made from waterproof vinyl, your temporary abode is sure to be noticed from miles away by friends and thieves alike. If you wanted, you could even make a massive day-glo swastika with it...if it's that sort of festival.

[$390]
When choosing a driveway material it is important to consider what kind of aesthetic you want to achieve. If it's understated you're after, then you'll want neutral colours such as grey, beige or slate, since these tones do not draw the eye. If, on the other hand, you want a surface that looks like E.T.'s just spunked his load all over your front garden, then try these Luminescent Driveway Pebbles. Apparently they're eco friendly, but they said that about Lynx Africa and now all the world's dogs are turning inside out, so I don't believe them. They are glow in the dark though, which saves you having to set a big bonfire on your lawn for a bit of mood lighting.