[$13] / [£9.99]
This book, How To Live With A Huge Penis, is often mistakenly purchased by those with an annoying roommate, but no, this epic tome is actually more of a useful guide for those men who are considerably endowed in the trouser department. I myself have a penis so small it's practically inverted, but even I found this book riveting, as it illuminates readers on the unexpected benefits of having a large member, the everyday life of a chap with a chunky chopper, and the oft-ignored persecution blokes with big dicks face on a daily basis. Also it's written by a Doctor and a Reverend, and if there are two professions which know more about penises than medics and the clergy, then I haven't heard of them.

[$39.99]
Oak-aged alcohol is often rather expensive, and if you're too cheap to buy it then your only way of achieving that smoky booze aftertaste is to enter a burning building while downing a pint. But fortunately for you smoke aficionados there's now a solution, and it comes in the form of this Oak Bottle Mini Master Infuser. Capable of infusing 355ml of booze with an oaky taste in as little as two hours, this vessel made from 100% American Oak promises to improve bourbon, rum, beer, BBQ sauce and any other liquids you fancy by adding an ultra quick burst of charred oak flavour and aroma. And yes, I suppose you could try it with urine.

[$1030]
Every night I wake up in a cold sweat screaming my mother's name. She isn't dead, and she isn't ill, so I don't know why I do it. But every time that I do I suddenly begin levitating three feet off the ground, and it was during one of these moments I invented the Mag-Lev Levitating Turntable. Those are the words of Mag-Lev's founder, Kenny Magnets, and his revolutionary hovering record player will enhance the way you listen to records forever, or for about five minutes, depending on how long you use it for. Capable of playing at 33,3-rpm and 45-rpm, the Mag-Lev avoids all the shaky shaky interruptions you might experience from a regular non-hovering record player, and it also comes with an orange light which you can turn on to make it even more futurey. SUCK IT REGULAR RECORD PLAYERS.

[$86.79] / [£69.99]
Wish you could use different lenses with the iPhone to take ever more elaborate pictures of your ugly wife, disappointing kids and bland, tasteless meals? Great. Then you'll probably want this Olloclip set of iPhone lenses won't you, you fatuitous prick. Apparently these lenses have similar perspectives to DSLR cameras, but I don't care. They also include fish-eye, super wide 120 degree view, and some other bobbins too, but I don't care about that either. Look, if you're going buy this stuff will you just do it and leave me alone? Thank you.

[$120]
The only time most helmets become foldable is when their wearer is crumpled beneath the wheels of a cement truck, but now thanks to the clever sods at Fend, the use of a Foldable Bike Helmet is now possible without involving the tragic death of a cyclist. As well as being portable and storable, the Fend Foldable Bike Helmet is also less stuffy than regular helmets, allowing cool soothing air to reach your noggin, which means that once you take it off your barnet will no longer resemble the haircut of a special needs student. So far the only colours the Fend comes in are black and white, but if you were to involve yourself in a serious crash while wearing it, the helmet magically turns into a fetching shade of red. How lovely.

[$359.99]
Burning things is fun, and it's even more fun with the Solo Stove Bonfire. Why is that, you ask? I don't know, let's find out together shall we? It's made from Premium Fire Grade Steel…oooooh. It burns wood efficiently by pushing the limits of combustion airflow and efficiency….oh my. And what's that, it's also lightweight, eco-friendly and durable too? Well bugger me with an aubergine; that does sound good doesn’t it.

[$25] / [£20]
Rice is a harsh mistress, and if you wish to enjoy her pleasures you have but two options. First, you can take half an hour to boil the little grainy pricks, but there's a risk you'll forget about the pan and end up with a gloopy burnt spaff. Or, if you're brave, you can try one of those nasty two-minute microwave dealies that probably give you cancer after the first bite. But now there's a third option; the Joseph Joseph Rice Cooker. Just sling your rice into this bowl, pop in some water, chuck the whole thing into the microwave and you'll be greeted with delicious cooked rice in under five minutes. Even Donald Trump's hookers can't produce something hot and steamy in that time!

[$12.32] / [£9.99]
What would you do if your organs suddenly fell out of your body? How would you react if Jesus came back to life and called you a prick? I don't know, and neither do the authors of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook. But what they will tell you is how to survive an alligator attack, what to do if you're trapped in quicksand, and the easiest method of removing a tongue that is stuck to a frozen pole. There are also a few wackier ones too, such as how to escape from a giant octopus, and what you should do if a man in a costume is being over-affectionate. And if you're too lazy to read books like a great big nark then just look up the answers on the searchable CD provided with it.

[$159]
Try to fold up a regular skateboard and it'll probably just crack and you'll look like a dummy. But if you were to try folding up the Boardup Fold-up Skateboard it wouldn't, which is good, as I believe that is the point of it. Locking sturdily in place when you're skating and easily folded away when you're not, the Boardup is also the world's first self-folding longboard. You don't even have to do the folding yourself! Saving you literally tens of seconds, which you can now use to scrape your knees outside a bus station and remember Smashmouth lyrics. Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, the years…

[$19.89]
The Hornet claims to be the world's smallest stun gun, and with 6,000,000 volts packed into this baby who are you to argue? Nobody, that's who, because I'll shock your nuts right off if you even look at me wrong. It also comes with a flashlight, you know, so you can see who's trying to molest you before you zap them in the throat. Weighing less than 2 ounces and measuring just half an inch thick, the Hornet is discrete enough to carry with you at all times. So the next time the dog's barking too loudly, the kids are playing up or your bound and gagged partner needs a little love shock, the Hornet will be on hand to fulfil all of your brutal, tasing requirements.

[$79]
Are you paranoid that the Government wants to take away your right to bear razorblades, dollar bills, tic-tacs and cheese strings? Then just purchase one of these Premium Concealed Carry Belts, and they'll never find your precious treasure, no matter how much the Feds pat you down. Items can be stored within the belt's three hidden pouches, and the belt itself is made of strong English harness leather. Also, its buckle is apparently so strong it could easily break a car window. I don't know why that would ever be necessary, but I guess it doesn't hurt to know. Available in various sizes from anorexic through to morbidly obese, this belt can also be used to store bullets, secrets, wasps, love notes, candy bars, toilet paper and rice.