[£1,745]
If sitting on the Manet Easy Chair doesn't give you piles then I don't know what will. I mean, what the hell is this thing? It looks like a giant punnet of lipsticks. Why would you want to sit on that? If you do, then I suppose you'll probably want to know this chair is available in “a bunch” of colours, uses washable and removable covers, and it costs about two grand. I reckon I could knock one of these up for you in about five minutes for a tenner though. But it's up to you.

[£14.99]
The only thing more satisfying than meat is eating meat with your name charred into the side. This Barbecue Branding Iron is fully customisable and comes with 52 letters and 8 blank spaces, allowing you to put names, insults or whatever dirty word you want on those delicious tasty animals. I prefer to brand my dinner before it's dead, because unnecessary cruelty enhances the flavour profile.

[$999.99]
If a Segway banged a scooter that was actually a transformer in disguise, would that constitute assault by deception? I don't know, but the result would be the Kiwano Electric Scooter. Driven by a 1000W hub motor capable of 20 miles an hour speeds, this scooter is capable of hauling even the fattests bastards over a 20 mile range, with a maximum carry weight of 550lbs. That's roughly the weight of Andre the Giant...when he wasn't dead.

[£4165]
Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles was a kinky little sod who wore leather underpants while chasing adolescent reptiles through raw sewerage. However, the DTV Shredder is decidedly less kinky, but you could definitely use it to run down Donatello in a stream of hot turds...if you wanted. The DTV Shredder is basically a skateboard glued to a tank with a motorcross bike slapped on the front. It goes approximately "proper fast", it is compact enough to fit in the boot of your car, and it will make for an essential piece of kit once the sun is extinguished by perpetual nuclear winter.

[€183,125]
You know the Shaman All Terrain Vehicle is going to be dangerously badass as soon as you see that half the specs are written in Russian. Those boys don't f**k about. I wouldn't be surprised if this bad boy had a thermonuclear warhead strapped under the driver's side window. Capable of going 44mph on land, 1.2mph in water and 0mph in solid concrete, the Shaman is a beast of a car that is as intimidating as it is expensive - kinda like that amazonian prostitute I hired last night. Oh Vilena. You crushed the life right out of my pelvis.

[$29.99]
Furries rejoice! Your prayers have been answered. This set of Mouth Moving Animal Masks for sale at Vat 19 are so realistic that when someone is wearing one you'll actually think you're mounting a real, 14-stone pug. Available in lion, wolf and fox as well as pug dog varieties, these masks strap on to your mouth tightly, providing an unsettlingly realisitic (and arousing) appearance.

[$500]
One day giant babies will take over the Earth. That's the way science is going. I don't have any actual evidence for that assumption, but it is undeniably true. If you want to blend in with those humongous infants then you'll need a disguise of some sort. I'd suggest one of these Creepy Baby Masks made out of latex and real baby skin. Although, I guess they're only creepy if you hate babies. Do you? What a terrible thing to say. Kiss that baby now before someone overhears what a monster you are.

[$58,000]
Finally, Donald Trump can go golfing in Puerto Rico. This Hovercraft Golf Cart glides over sand traps and water hazards with ease, and to be honest it would probably clear a small man if you weren't bothered about the consequences. With a top speed of 45mph forwards and 25 mph backwards, this vehicle is capable of whisking you away from tragedy and back onto hole nine in the time it takes to criticise a nation's relief efforts.

[$8.99] / [£7.91]
I met my girlfriend where most people meet their partners; the baggage hold of an aeroplane. But if you're one of these modern twerps you might have hooked up with someone on Tinder. And if you're still alive to tell the tale, this book of Tinder Nightmares will give you at least three laughs, six moments of self-reflection and one instance of pure, unadulterated fear. Based on the famous instagram account of the same name, Tinder Nightmares is a book with words in that you can pay money for instead.

[$30.99] / [£13.90]
These misfortune cookies are intended as a dark alternative to the often trite messages found in regular Chinese cookies, but the examples given are a little tame to say the least. "At least I believe in you. Me, a piece of paper" and "Happy? It won't last!" are amusing enough, but I want to see cookies that tell me my son will need a kidney transplant, or that I'll choke on this cookie and soil myself before the night is out. There may be better ones inside as each box comes with thirteen vegan-friendly cookies, although they were all written by Germans, so don't expect too many laughs.

[$99.99]
The 90's were an innocent time. There were no sex offenders, there was no such thing as terrorism, and Hulk Hogan was the President of the United States. We also had cool designs for our party cups too, and now someone's attemped to milk dry the teats of nostalgia by creating a suit in that same iconic design. This Retro Jazz Cup Blazer is the result of said milking, and not only is it 100% polyester, but the neon print also glows in the dark to make you look so 90's that everyone will wonder if you are in fact OJ Simpson.

[$13.29] / [£9.99]
Is there anything that's not spreadable these days? Marshmallows, biscuits, women and now gin! Yes, you heard me correctly you drunken oaf. Spreadable gin! Now first let me give you the good news. This spreadable gin comes with tonic and is jellified into the form of a marmalade, so you can slop it on toast, crumpets or your fingers if you like. Heck you can even bake it into a cake. That sounds nice doesn't it? But do you know what's not nice? This product contains NO ALCOHOL. Honestly, what's the point? Just eat some toast and before you swallow it knock back a glug of gin. There you go. Same product, but better. You're welcome.