[$8.99] / [£7.91]
I met my girlfriend where most people meet their partners; the baggage hold of an aeroplane. But if you're one of these modern twerps you might have hooked up with someone on Tinder. And if you're still alive to tell the tale, this book of Tinder Nightmares will give you at least three laughs, six moments of self-reflection and one instance of pure, unadulterated fear. Based on the famous instagram account of the same name, Tinder Nightmares is a book with words in that you can pay money for instead.

[$10.97] / [£2.99]
Drinking large amounts of alcohol is a fun hobby with zero known consequences. The only downside is that when you're sinking suds from a big-ass tankard, the rim of your glass stops you looking at stuff. Whether it's the TV, a nude human or a cool explosion, the act of drinking beer will obscure your view. But no more, thanks to this TV Compatible Beer Glass. Made out of plastic, this container's sloped rim ensures you'll never miss another naked mudwrestling match due to beer ever again.

[$8.95]
What's your favourite kind of soap? Is it soap that you have no fucking idea what it smells like? Great, then buy some from the Whiskey River Soap Company. Beer whisperers is pretty self-explanatory, as it says it smells like IPA insanity. Great. But soap for awkward moments smells like your entire life. What? How can you make a soap smell like success and burnt flesh? That makes no sense. To be honest, just buy the one that looks the prettiest. It probably won't smell like ass. But you never know.

[$27] / [£19.99]
It can be hard to spot your luggage on an airport carousel...unless your massive ugly face is on it. These Head Case Luggage sets come in large, medium and small – just like tumours – and each one can be personalised with the photo of your choice. I'd use my dead father to decorate my luggage. Why? Because I'm totes goth.

[$4,900]
Ever pissed yourself in a tuxedo? Me too. Expensive isn't it? You'd be better off messing yourself in this Wetsuit Tuxedo by Thom Browne. Then nobody will ever know. Or you could use this to pretend you're a spy coming out of the water. But with your flabby body, I doubt anyone would believe you. Despite looking like a two-piece, this Wetsuit Tuxedo is actually an all-in-one neoprene affair complete with large back zipper. You know, for when you need to get out of it after you've wet yourself.

[$675]
Sleeping in a tent on the ground can be dangerous. Who knows what kind of pervert (me) might crawl in and sleep right besides you? Even worse, someone (also me) might come and murder you to shreds. For safety's sake, you'd best buy a Skycamp Elevated Tent to keep you away from harm (me again). Using a simple wooden structure with a built-in picnic table, the Skycamp Elevated Tent raises you above the status of floor-dwellers and back towards the trees where you belong.

[$24.47] / [£19.17]
America loves nothing more than to cook the innocent corpses of foreign citizens via yet another successful freedom bombing. But sometimes they like to cook food too, as you'll see in this 800-recipe tome called America: The Cookbook. As well as a bunch of food instructions, you'll also find 50 essays written about the cuisine of every American state. You won't read them, but they're there. Go Murica!

[$115] / [£95]
If you want an instant physical photograph these days you're forced to go to a photo booth, and it's difficult to have a party slash orgy in those tiny things. Instead, you could just use Polaroid's new Onestep 2 i-Type Instant Camera, whose name is as about as catchy as a nine hour silent opera. This new Polaroid model has a 2ft to infinity lens, 60-day rechargable battery and a self time function. It prints instantly onto 3 by 3 inch film and can use black and white or colour, depending on how depressing you want your life to look.

[$199.95]
Smoke inhalation is literally my favourite thing about fire. I love breathing in huge gulps of the stuff and passing out for fun. If you don't share my passion for slow, gradual asphyxiation, then the Biolite Smokeless Firepit is probably something you should buy. Using a revolutionary technology called “something I was too lazy to read about”, the Biolite Firepit can act as a cooker, heat source or evidence destroyer; and all without producing a single plume of smoke. Oh, also you can watch your fire develop through a little screen...if you're into that.

[$17]
Hey bro check out this like, totally gnarly beer shotguning tool for when you need to be a total bro on the go. Like, you know, for parties and junk. I know right? Instead of making like a, like, like a hole in a can with a knife or your weiner, you can just toally use this to do it for you, which means more time for shotgunning more beers bro. Yeah bro. I know! Bro. Bro! BRO!

[$50]
Whether you're opening letters or cleaving apart the throats of co-workers, it's always good to have a knife in the office. This Ameland Letter Opener was designed by Enzo Mari (no idea) for Danese Milano (who?) in 1951 (when?). Formed from a single piece of twisted steel, this 8.7 inch blade will make short work of paper and flesh alike.

[$44]
There's just something about a brown bag lunch that makes whatever you're eating more delicious. But if you're still taking your lunch to work in this manner when you're 40, people might start to wonder where you are on the spectrum. This Marlowe Lunch Bag is a reusable and less spazzy version of the classic brown bag, made out of altogether classier waxed canvas. Waterproof, closed with a fold and coming with a single exterior pocket, you could probably carry soup in this and eat it straight from the bag if you wanted.